Thursday, 15th April 2021

How to actually have sex with a Union Jack

ARE you an ardent ‘flag shagger’ who’d like to literally have sexual intercourse with a Union Jack? Here’s how to go about it if you’re a patriotic weirdo or a Tory MP.

Pay your flag compliments 

Not cheesy chat-up lines like ‘I think Heaven must be missing a flag’. Say things like: ‘I think that large red cross goes really well with your white diagonal lines and blue triangles.’

Have a romantic meal with your flag

Make an effort and cook something special like lobster thermidor, not just spaghetti bolognese. Don’t make too much food though, as flags don’t eat anything. And be careful if it’s a candlelit dinner, because your flag catching fire could ruin your evening. 

Ask your flag questions about itself

Getting to know your Union Jack shows you’re genuinely interested in them as a flag and not just looking for a cheap flag-shag. Try ‘So what’s it like being up a flagpole all day?’ or ‘What are your long-term plans in the flag industry?’.


When the time comes to make love to your Union Jack, foreplay is important. Try licking it, gently nibbling on the edges or sensually playing with its bit of string like the weird nationalist that you are.

Be a considerate flag shagger

Make sure your flag’s sexual needs are satisfied. Luckily flags don’t have orgasms, so basically all you need to do is give it a quick go in the washing machine in the morning. 

Text your flag promptly the next day

If you’re serious about this relationship – which you are – let your flag know with a text. One day you might even get married to your flag and start a family of little half-human flag babies, which is surely what Tory twats like Robert Jenrick and Oliver Dowden have considered.