How to actually have sex with a Union Jack

ARE you an ardent ‘flag shagger’ who’d like to literally have sexual intercourse with a Union Jack? Here’s how to go about it if you’re a patriotic weirdo or a Tory MP.

Pay your flag compliments 

Not cheesy chat-up lines like ‘I think Heaven must be missing a flag’. Say things like: ‘I think that large red cross goes really well with your white diagonal lines and blue triangles.’

Have a romantic meal with your flag

Make an effort and cook something special like lobster thermidor, not just spaghetti bolognese. Don’t make too much food though, as flags don’t eat anything. And be careful if it’s a candlelit dinner, because your flag catching fire could ruin your evening. 

Ask your flag questions about itself

Getting to know your Union Jack shows you’re genuinely interested in them as a flag and not just looking for a cheap flag-shag. Try ‘So what’s it like being up a flagpole all day?’ or ‘What are your long-term plans in the flag industry?’.


When the time comes to make love to your Union Jack, foreplay is important. Try licking it, gently nibbling on the edges or sensually playing with its bit of string like the weird nationalist that you are.

Be a considerate flag shagger

Make sure your flag’s sexual needs are satisfied. Luckily flags don’t have orgasms, so basically all you need to do is give it a quick go in the washing machine in the morning. 

Text your flag promptly the next day

If you’re serious about this relationship – which you are – let your flag know with a text. One day you might even get married to your flag and start a family of little half-human flag babies, which is surely what Tory twats like Robert Jenrick and Oliver Dowden have considered.

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'Out for delivery' and other staggeringly useless pieces of information

SICK of being bombarded with information that pretends to be helpful but is utterly useless? Here are the most pointless examples.

Out for delivery

We’ve all clicked on a parcel tracking link hoping for a map of where the driver is and how long until they arrive, only to see ‘out for delivery’, which they’ve already f**king emailed us with. Maybe add some equally useful information like ‘It’s coming in a van!’.

Software update percentages

Frustratingly meaningless. It takes 20 seconds to reach 80 per cent, then another 10 minutes to get to 100 per cent. Or much, much longer if you’re keen to play an exciting new game or use your computer. Replace it with a spinning black circle and the words: ‘Nope, still not done’.

Being told ‘your call is very important to us’

No it isn’t. And you don’t even know what the call’s about. We could be the worst kind of time-wasting idiot who phones the council to complain about BBC sitcoms.

Kills up to 99.9 per cent of germs

We’re not idiots, you know. Anything that says ‘up to’ is just covering your backs legally. And what about the 0.1 per cent of germs that survive? 0.1 per cent of a billion is still a million – that’s an awful lot of germs hanging around ready to kill you when your guard’s down.

Prices on airline websites

The prices of flights with no-frills airlines bear as little relation to the truth as anything Boris Johnson says at PMQs. Once the extra costs are added, they might as well just put in random numbers.

Online reviews

Is that person who’s orgasmically happy with their new vacuum cleaner being paid to write the review, or is there just not much going on in their life? Either way it’s not much help to you. Then there are the negative reviews from dunces who can’t understand why a £159.99 laptop doesn’t work like a MacBook Pro.