Wednesday, 30th September 2020

How to blame Nicola Sturgeon for everything: a Brexiter explains

IT isn’t always the EU’s fault. Sometimes it’s Scotland, and in particular that ‘wee hag’ Nicola Sturgeon. Roy Hobbs explains why the SNP leader is destroying Britain: 

She’s preventing our wonderful Brexit

Idiots say Brexit is taking ages because it’s a stupid, flawed idea with no plan. No. It’s Sturgeon criticising it all the time. She’s jinxing Brexit with her Celtic magic, and we should send the army to Holyrood and burn the ginger witch.

She started coronavirus

There’s admittedly no evidence for this but Sturgeon hates England, so she probably infected suicide squads of drunk Glaswegians with Covid and sent them south on National Express. Just to discredit poor Boris.

She steals our money

Sturgeon – and the whole Scotch nation – love being subsidised by England, which is wealthier because we’re more advanced. Every £10 we earn through good honest graft sends a fiver to the Scotties, who blow it on McEwan’s Export and krill for the Loch Ness Monster.

She sends Scottish weather south

Wondering why we’re having such a gloomy summer? Sturgeon’s found a way to direct the depressing Scottish weather into England and Wales. I’d imagine she has some sort of weather machine. I know these exist because I saw one in a Kate Bush video.

She’s always trying to make England look bad

Sturgeon is so eager to prove Scotland is better than England she keeps taking decisive, sensible action over coronavirus to protect the population. What a cynical, devious, Caledonian cow.

She looks like wee Jimmy Krankie

Some might say this is a juvenile and inappropriate insult to direct at a serious female politician. But she looks like wee Jimmy Krankie! SHE LOOKS LIKE WEE JIMMY KRANKIE! WEE JIMMY KRANKIE! What do you mean, you don’t know who Jimmy Krankie is? What’s wrong with you?