How to blame Nicola Sturgeon for everything: a Brexiter explains

IT isn’t always the EU’s fault. Sometimes it’s Scotland, and in particular that ‘wee hag’ Nicola Sturgeon. Roy Hobbs explains why the SNP leader is destroying Britain: 

She’s preventing our wonderful Brexit

Idiots say Brexit is taking ages because it’s a stupid, flawed idea with no plan. No. It’s Sturgeon criticising it all the time. She’s jinxing Brexit with her Celtic magic, and we should send the army to Holyrood and burn the ginger witch.

She started coronavirus

There’s admittedly no evidence for this but Sturgeon hates England, so she probably infected suicide squads of drunk Glaswegians with Covid and sent them south on National Express. Just to discredit poor Boris.

She steals our money

Sturgeon – and the whole Scotch nation – love being subsidised by England, which is wealthier because we’re more advanced. Every £10 we earn through good honest graft sends a fiver to the Scotties, who blow it on McEwan’s Export and krill for the Loch Ness Monster.

She sends Scottish weather south

Wondering why we’re having such a gloomy summer? Sturgeon’s found a way to direct the depressing Scottish weather into England and Wales. I’d imagine she has some sort of weather machine. I know these exist because I saw one in a Kate Bush video.

She’s always trying to make England look bad

Sturgeon is so eager to prove Scotland is better than England she keeps taking decisive, sensible action over coronavirus to protect the population. What a cynical, devious, Caledonian cow.

She looks like wee Jimmy Krankie

Some might say this is a juvenile and inappropriate insult to direct at a serious female politician. But she looks like wee Jimmy Krankie! SHE LOOKS LIKE WEE JIMMY KRANKIE! WEE JIMMY KRANKIE! What do you mean, you don’t know who Jimmy Krankie is? What’s wrong with you?

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London must return to being a living hell or our economy is doomed

by Professor of Economics, Denys Finch Hatton

CRAMMED tube trains. Five-hour daily commutes. Soaring house prices. Jobs that barely pay a living wage. If London cannot return to this, the UK is doomed. 

Our country has bravely faced the threat of the coronavirus. But now, we must face something far more terrible: a return to ordinary life in the capital exactly as it was before the plague. 

For many Londoners, the last six months have been a reprieve. They have worked from home. They may have dreamed of escaping to somewhere less infernal and full of hatred. They cannot be allowed to.

Because if London is not absolutely stuffed with miserable, broken people attempting to eke some kind of joy out of their dead-end lives, the whole of Britain will suffer. 

Remember those nightclubs you used to cram into, to snort coke from a toilet seat? The trainer drops you’d queue overnight for? The dilapidated Victorian houses shared by six desperate professionals with real careers? They are the backbone of our whole economy.  

Without this engine of wretchedness driving the nation, we will all struggle. We’re so interconnected that all it takes is one brand legacy manager screaming ‘I can’t take this anymore!’ and six blameless people in Aberdeen lose their jobs. 

So go back to your rented flats, your Tube trains, your cool Shoreditch bars and your Secret Cinema. And know that you suffer not for yourself, but for your country. We still hate you though.