Thursday, 13th May 2021

How to cry, by Matt Hancock

ORDERED to cry on telly by Downing Street PR, even though you’ve spent nine months feeling so sorry for yourself you no longer have tears left? Let me help. 

Chop onions

There’s nothing better for conjuring tears than the fumes of a fresh allium, and nothing more natural for the health secretary to be doing when appearing on breakfast TV than preparing lamb rissoles on the desk, just out of viewers’ sight. Every tear genuine.

Dab your eyes with VapoRub

If you want that authentic red, just-cried afterglow, try laying on the Vicks like a 90s raver. Your obvious discomfort is sure to look extremely touching on camera, and not staged.

Remember a beloved childhood pet

If, like me, you’re incapable of feeling emotion for your fellow Britons, then try thinking about a childhood pet that died tragically. I wasn’t allowed one because I fit the psychological profile of a serial killer, so I like to imagine a turtle named Jeremy who was crushed under the Brexit bus.

Focus on your patriotism

Any true Brit can be brought to tears remembering great moments like VE Day, the 2012 Olympics or Bucks Fizz winning Eurovision in 1981. Help yourself along by pinching and twisting your testes.

Eat a spicy takeaway

If emotion isn’t your strong suit, try ordering a five-chilli chicken vindaloo. The guilt you feel about the immigrants who prepared it who’ll soon suffer racist violence and deportation thanks to you, and the fumes you’re inhaling, will soon bring the required saline solution to your eyes.

Think about being fired

If all else fails, imagine the sweet moment sometime next year when Boris Johnson tries to swerve a public inquiry into Britain’s Covid response by firing you and sending you to the peace of the backbenches. You’ll be in absolute floods.