Over-80s get vaccinated, get shitfaced and hit moshpit

THE over-80s are celebrating receiving the Covid vaccine by going straight to a metal gig, drinking eight pints and hitting the moshpit. 

After the first vaccine was administered to a 91-year-old woman, she set off to a specially-arranged Enter Shikari concert at Coventry Empire to really lose herself in a mass of sweaty, thrashing pensioner flesh.

Margaret Gerving said: “Seeing my family, going to the shops, little things like days out to the seaside… but it’s the moshpit I’ve missed most.

“I’ve tried chugging two litres of White Lightning, putting Bullet For My Valentine on full blast and throwing myself around my sheltered flat on my own, but it’s not the same.

“So I can’t wait to get in there, mingle with all the other retirees while we sink a few pints of heavy, then go absolutely apeshit wild down the front when Anaesthetist comes on.

“There’s going to be walking frames thrown from the balcony, bifocals flying on the stage, I’ll be staggering out bloody and smiling with someone else’s dentures embedded in my leg.

“Then afterwards, me and Dora from flat 11b are going to get matching Fleshgod Apocalypse tattoos, sharing the same needle. Because we can, now there’s a vaccine.”

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Man starts argument in vague hope of make-up sex

A MAN has started an argument with his girlfriend in the misguided belief that it could lead to mind-blowing make-up sex.

Horny 24-year-old Ryan Whittaker initiated the row after reading how great post-argument sex can be in his girlfriend Cosmopolitan, but it has spiralled into a full-scale relationship breakdown with  intercourse seemingly further away than ever.

Whittaker said: “Make-up sex is item 19 of 23 Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life but now I think I might be single. Uh?

“All I did was criticise Lauren’s spending habits, then when she admitted it was getting out of hand I upped the stakes by accusing her of having an affair. Now she’s locked herself in the bathroom and won’t talk to me, and I don’t think it’s because she’s playing hard to get.

“I can’t back down now, because women don’t like beta males, but I have to admit I’m struggling to keep thinking her crying down the phone to her sister is foreplay.

“Maybe when there’s a lull in the conversation I’ll knock on and say ‘Fancy doing it?’”

After watching Lauren pack her possessions into her car and drive away, Whittaker said: “If my calculations are correct, we’re a couple of hours from the most earth-shattering shag.”