Wednesday, 20th January 2021

Over-80s get vaccinated, get shitfaced and hit moshpit

THE over-80s are celebrating receiving the Covid vaccine by going straight to a metal gig, drinking eight pints and hitting the moshpit. 

After the first vaccine was administered to a 91-year-old woman, she set off to a specially-arranged Enter Shikari concert at Coventry Empire to really lose herself in a mass of sweaty, thrashing pensioner flesh.

Margaret Gerving said: “Seeing my family, going to the shops, little things like days out to the seaside… but it’s the moshpit I’ve missed most.

“I’ve tried chugging two litres of White Lightning, putting Bullet For My Valentine on full blast and throwing myself around my sheltered flat on my own, but it’s not the same.

“So I can’t wait to get in there, mingle with all the other retirees while we sink a few pints of heavy, then go absolutely apeshit wild down the front when Anaesthetist comes on.

“There’s going to be walking frames thrown from the balcony, bifocals flying on the stage, I’ll be staggering out bloody and smiling with someone else’s dentures embedded in my leg.

“Then afterwards, me and Dora from flat 11b are going to get matching Fleshgod Apocalypse tattoos, sharing the same needle. Because we can, now there’s a vaccine.”