Sunday, 27th September 2020

How to disguise dangerous incompetence as comical bumbling

ARE you a f*ck-up to your very core, like certain figures in the national spotlight presently, but keen to mask it as hapless buffoonery? Here’s how: 

Have a funny haircut

Driven your car into a primary school classroom because you were sexting? Uproarious hair like Beaker from the Muppets, Heinz Wolff, or Boris Johnson, will see you dismissed as an ‘absent-minded eccentric’ rather than ‘terrifyingly dangerous’.

Use obscure words

From mugwhump to ‘inverted pyramid of piffle’ to letterbox, loveable rogues can say whatever they want by delving into our rich history. Call your boss a goose-saddler, tallowcatch or ninnyhammer is much better than calling them a d*ckhead.

Ride a bicycle

This can’t be the man who will destroy Britain, surely? Not this cycle-helmeted crackpot, so bumbling and chucklesome? Why, that’s like saying a man with a funny haircut, moustache and single bollock could devastate Europe.


If everyone knows you’re lying, you’re not really lying, are you? So when you say you’ve paid the bill, not shagged anyone and Brexit will be great, it’s just your funny way of telling the truth by always saying its opposite.

Don’t give a shit

Donald Trump and his English protege prove that if you don’t give a monkey’s about anything, you can rise to the very top. So don’t be afraid of making mistakes; just be enough of a terrifying narcissist not to care when you do.