How to disguise dangerous incompetence as comical bumbling

ARE you a f*ck-up to your very core, like certain figures in the national spotlight presently, but keen to mask it as hapless buffoonery? Here’s how: 

Have a funny haircut

Driven your car into a primary school classroom because you were sexting? Uproarious hair like Beaker from the Muppets, Heinz Wolff, or Boris Johnson, will see you dismissed as an ‘absent-minded eccentric’ rather than ‘terrifyingly dangerous’.

Use obscure words

From mugwhump to ‘inverted pyramid of piffle’ to letterbox, loveable rogues can say whatever they want by delving into our rich history. Call your boss a goose-saddler, tallowcatch or ninnyhammer is much better than calling them a d*ckhead.

Ride a bicycle

This can’t be the man who will destroy Britain, surely? Not this cycle-helmeted crackpot, so bumbling and chucklesome? Why, that’s like saying a man with a funny haircut, moustache and single bollock could devastate Europe.


If everyone knows you’re lying, you’re not really lying, are you? So when you say you’ve paid the bill, not shagged anyone and Brexit will be great, it’s just your funny way of telling the truth by always saying its opposite.

Don’t give a shit

Donald Trump and his English protege prove that if you don’t give a monkey’s about anything, you can rise to the very top. So don’t be afraid of making mistakes; just be enough of a terrifying narcissist not to care when you do.

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Cockroaches following Iran story with growing interest

THE NEXT dominant species on the planet is following the news from Iran with growing interest.

Cockroach Wayne Hayes, who sees himself as a potential world leader after the fall of humanity, said: “There’s a lot of potential in all this and I’m totally glued to the BBC’s live news feed.

“Like most humans I do not understand what is going on, but the words ‘nuclear’ and ‘confrontation’ in block capitals suggest that it’s bad.

“Or good, if you’re a dynamic, evolved insect species ready to emerge from the ashes, start doing a bit of basic agriculture with tame worms and build things up from there.”

However female cockroach Mary Fisher said: “I don’t like the way Wayne’s gotten so into this. His antennae are twitching uncontrollably with excitement. It’s unseemly.

“I think humans are okay. Squeamish to the point of idiocy, but essentially fine.”