Tuesday, 11th May 2021

How to plan for Brexit without any information and nine days left

ARE you a tad concerned about Brexit happening in just nine days’ time? Surely the government has it all in hand. But just in case: 

Grow fresh produce fast

Apparently fruit and vegetables don’t grow immediately, but with no other options it’s worth a shot. Plant potatoes, tomato seeds and apple cores planted today, give them Baby Bio every five minutes and play them Nigel Farage speeches. If they haven’t grown by the 31st, burn one as an example.

Brexit-proof your career

The government has no idea which industries will be most decimated by Brexit, so rejig your CV for the sort of job there’s always a need for eg gravedigger, cobbler, alcohol bootlegger or prostitute.

Invest in a crystal ball

Government being a little opaque? Simply scry the future with a good-quality crystal ball. Staring into a glass globe hoping ‘the mists will clear’ is more detail than you’ll get otherwise. Alternatively, take peyote and hope a spirit guide fills you in on export tariffs.

Stockpile ‘food’

With Christmas, Covid and Brexit, there soon won’t be anything to stockpile, but there is one ‘miracle food’ that’s great for times of starvation: leather. Get yourself down to the nearest shoe shop and stock up. Kids’ sizes if you’re on a diet.

Ask a Brexiter

All Brexiters knew exactly what they were voting for, with many frequently using technical terms such as ‘Canada plus plus’ or ‘European Economic Area’. These international trade experts can often be consulted as early as 8am in their network of regional offices, known as ‘Spoons’.

Make a sturdy spear

We’re not melodramatically suggesting you’ll have to fight your neighbours, just that a spear makes it a lot easier to hunt wild game. A Yorkshire terrier can give you a nasty nip but there’s a fair bit of meat on them.