How today’s no-deal debate will work

IN THE most important 24 hours for British parliamentary democracy since last time, MPs will today attempt to prevent a no-deal Brexit. Here’s how it will work: 

11.30am: Boris Johnson resumes Parliament after summer recess by releasing a box of live wasps into the Commons and running away

12.20pm: John Bercow grants an emergency debate under Standing Order 24 rules, just like Hitler would

1pm: MPs choose a champion who is given control of Commons business, the powers to fast-track a bill, the ability to reject amendments, the Destiny Force, the Tri-Force and the power of Greyskull

2pm to 5pm: MPs debate the merits of economic catastrophe and plunging the country into depression before narrowly voting against it

6pm: Jacob Rees-Mogg wins the Dash to the Cameras to proclaim the exercise of democracy deeply undemocratic, trouncing his rivals

7pm: The bill is sent to the House of Lords, where several Tory peers battle against their own rising cholesterol to stand and talk for up to an hour

10am tomorrow: The bill is sent back to the Commons, narrowly avoiding a cycling Dominic Cummings’s attempt to catch it in a big net

4pm tomorrow: The bill is passed. Boris Johnson vows to ignore it.