How today's no-deal debate will work

IN THE most important 24 hours for British parliamentary democracy since last time, MPs will today attempt to prevent a no-deal Brexit. Here’s how it will work: 

11.30am: Boris Johnson resumes Parliament after summer recess by releasing a box of live wasps into the Commons and running away

12.20pm: John Bercow grants an emergency debate under Standing Order 24 rules, just like Hitler would

1pm: MPs choose a champion who is given control of Commons business, the powers to fast-track a bill, the ability to reject amendments, the Destiny Force, the Tri-Force and the power of Greyskull

2pm to 5pm: MPs debate the merits of economic catastrophe and plunging the country into depression before narrowly voting against it

6pm: Jacob Rees-Mogg wins the Dash to the Cameras to proclaim the exercise of democracy deeply undemocratic, trouncing his rivals

7pm: The bill is sent to the House of Lords, where several Tory peers battle against their own rising cholesterol to stand and talk for up to an hour

10am tomorrow: The bill is sent back to the Commons, narrowly avoiding a cycling Dominic Cummings’s attempt to catch it in a big net

4pm tomorrow: The bill is passed. Boris Johnson vows to ignore it.

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What advice should you take from Get Ready for Brexit's website?

THE government is preparing the UK for Brexit by putting helpful advice written by a 19-year-old Whitehall intern on a website. Try these tips: 

Carry your blue passport at all times. Anyone with an older, burgundy passport is suspect. Also anyone using a passport to travel to foreign countries rather than simply brandishing it as a badge of national pride is suspect.

Your commemorative Brexit 50p, bearing the statement ‘Peace, prosperity and friendship with all nations’ in a fine example of British irony, is the single tangible benefit you will receive from leaving the EU and should be treasured accordingly.

Anyone suspected of being foreign should be challenged, and British citizens who seem foreign and/or the wrong colour can be asked when they are leaving, which after October 31st is officially not racist.

Our new US-style healthcare system, in that it will be owned and run by the US, will stop penalising people who have never been ill, had children or had ill relatives at any point in their lives. It will be fairer and 2,400 per cent more expensive.

Buy a balaclava. It will be vital in stopping the army identifying you during civil disorder and will keep you warm when you can no longer afford to heat your house.