Johnson gets Downing Street podium out to announce he has a puppy

THE prime minister has made a statement to the nation that he has a lovely new puppy that he enjoys petting. 

The media converged on Downing Street last night for Johnson’s official 6pm statement that the puppy is a rescue puppy, is extremely cute and photos of him playing with it will be released within 48 hours.

He continued: “You all love animals, don’t you? Somebody told me that. Well, I love animals too and so does my current girlfriend.

“That’s why I have brought you here for the very important announcement that I like the puppy, the puppy likes me, everything is going fine and this isn’t a desperate attempt to pick up even a handful more votes.

“There won’t be an election and that’s not me saying it, it’s the puppy! ‘I don’t want an election!’ Did you hear him? That’s the voice I do for the puppy.

“So in summary I am a good man, dogs like me, vote for the guy with the puppy. Thank you.”

Johnson then went back inside Downing Street, pausing only to kick the puppy out of his path.

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Which Amazon do you rely on more? The one that gives oxygen or the one that delivers crap you don't need?

AMAZON. Which one could you live without, the one that gives oxygen or the one that delivers shite to your house that you bought online whilst drunk? Let’s take a look…

What do you need more? Oxygen or Tat?
While tat can be good and the large, oversized box that it often comes in is great for the cat, research has confirmed that oxygen might be of more use to you in both the short and long term. What with it being how human beings live and all.

A big stupid rainforest or a cheap cookery book delivered to your front door?
Let’s be honest, in many ways the Amazon is just a big stupid rainforest that just sits there housing billions of different life forms at any given time, which is kind of boring when you think about it, so is it really as good or useful as having Jamie Oliver latest cookery book delivered to your front door for like, what, £4?

The gentle balance of human existence or a kids swimming pool for, like, a tenner?
The gentle balance of human existence on planet Earth is probably one for the brainboxes out there if we’re being honest. It’s the kind of thing that bearded men in tweed jackets yak on about over clay pipes in musty university halls, but a kids’ swimming pool that they’ll probably use once and then it’ll be put into the garage until next year when it’ll be too grimy to use any more should definitely be more important to you than the huge burning fires of some rainforest that’s miles anyway anyway.

In summary – Yeah, the rainforest is probably ‘important’ in some ways but let’s not forget how important the cheap delivery service of the same name is. They may not provide oxygen but they do deliver shit to your house that’ll make you say, ‘I forgot I even bought that’.