Hunt suggests 'medicine banks'

JEREMY Hunt has proposed food bank-style ‘medicine banks’ where people can donate unwanted and possibly out-of-date medicines.

The health secretary, who is roundly hated by everyone, said that following the success of food banks Britain was ready for a medical equivalent.

Hunt said: “People could give unfinished bottles of Calpol and bandages that were only worn for a brief period before they dropped off in a bath to their local medicine banks.

”Even a half drunk bottle of Buckfast has medicinal qualities.

“Maybe someone found a wrap of cocaine in their flat after moving in and didn’t know what do with it, well they can bring it down.

“Even if you find a sturdy stick while out for a walk, that could make a good splint.”

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Scotland experiencing first-ever bout of bad weather

SCOTLAND is experiencing bad weather for the first time in its history.

The tropical paradise, whose name means ‘Sunny Place’ in Ancient Greek, has been hit by an arctic blast bringing snow and other previously-unseen hostile weather conditions.

First minister Nicola Sturgeon said: “For centuries our country has been a haven of cloudless blue skies and unbroken sunshine, where peace-loving locals sit gazing over flawless beach sunsets and sipping from local coconuts.

“Finally, that bliss has been shattered. Things called ‘snow’, ‘rain’ and ‘wind’, previously unknown to us, are sweeping our utopian land.

“If it continues we may even require waterproof outer garments.”

Glasgow resident Nathan Muir said: “I’ve never seen a cloud. It looks so very strange to me.

“I worry that these new types of unpleasant weather may have some effect on the national psyche, changing us from upbeat and easy-going to somewhat maudlin and prone to conflict.”