I am shit at this, admits Clegg

NICK Clegg has refused to resign as Lib Dem leader but has admitted he is absolutely shit at it.

The self-styled deputy prime minister said stepping down would be pointless and that he should continue even though he was probably going to get even worse.

He added: “I had the first vague inkling that I was very bad at this about two years ago when I realised I hadn’t made any difference to anything.

“But when I agreed to debate Nigel Farage about Europe, on television, I suddenly thought, ‘fucking hell, I really don’t have a clue’.

“Anyway, I’ve had a chat with Vince Cable and we agreed that he’s shit at his job too and would be just as shit at my job as I am.

“So it’s all fine.”


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Pupils to study Gove’s self-published novels

ALL schools will teach Michael Gove’s self-published novels about talking dragons and happy housewives.

Gove said dropping modern classics like To Kill a Mockingbird meant there was now room on the curriculum for the 200 or so books he has published on Kindle, of which 11 copies have been sold for 49p.

“Teenage boys will love my Horatio Hove novels, about a dashing cavalry officer in the Crimean war who has a sizzling affair with Lilly Langtry even though he looks like a glove puppet frog.

“I researched it by watching Sharpe’s Rifles and Master and Commander, so it’s 100 per cent historically accurate. The best bit is where Horatio sinks all Napoleon’s aircraft carriers.

“Schools will also be required to purchase multiple copies of my fantasy epic Lord of the Thrones.

“Kids will love it because it’s full of wonderful, imaginative ideas like magic swords, quests and talking dragons, and the reader gets a nice break from the serious bits thanks to a dwarf who gets into funny situations.

“I’ve even done a book for girls, Hattie the Happy Housewife

Teacher Tom Logan said: “I read one of Gove’s thrillers, Day of the Cultural Marxists, but I found the story about a group of terrorist teachers trying to assassinate David Cameron a bit farfetched.

“Most teachers get confused by a Banda machine, so I doubt they’d be able to steal RAF Tornadoes and attack the House of Commons.”