I can also do fascism, confirms Boris

BORIS Johnson has confirmed that if the British people want a fascist in charge he is happy to oblige.

As a survey by the Hansard Society found that most voters want to be led by a ‘strongman’ who ignores parliament, Johnson immediately wrote a column for the Daily Telegraph about Britain’s proud history of dictatorship.

The massive blond haired child wrote: “Henry VIII was the greatest king in human history – an avuncular figure who only decapitated uncooperative wives when absolutely necessary.

“He gave no quarter to Papal jiggery-pokery and established a church which to this day remains enormously relevant to our everyday lives.”

He added: “Britain’s desire for fascism coincides with my own long-held belief in strong government led by someone who was destined for the role.

“Arbeit macht free. Make Britain Great Again. I look forward to hearing from you.”

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Man to take favourite anecdote on tour

A MAN who has found local success with an amusing anecdote about losing his dog has announced he will be taking it on a nationwide tour. 

Father-of-two Martin Bishop, who inadvertently found himself leaving a local park with a stranger’s dog on his lead, believes the positive reactions he has received from friends and family justify the 52-date tour.

He said: “This material is dynamite. I wouldn’t be doing it justice if I took it straight to TV.

“In the regions I’m doing mainly the arts centres, where I’ll recount the story to audiences ranging from around 500 to the low four figures, but once a buzz gets going we’re hoping to book a couple of weeks at the Hackney Empire.

“It’s costing me a lot up front, but I’ll easily make that back from ticket sales and an exclusive deal with Netflix. I just hope copyright-infringing bastards don’t put the whole thing on YouTube.

Wife Rachel Bishop said: “Thing is, while it is quite an amusing anecdote, I’m not quite sure it’s got the legs he thinks and we’ve had to remortgage the house.

“Also I feel it’s too early for him to rule out playing the O2 because he doesn’t want to be called a sell-out.”