FORMER chancellor George Osborne believes he is the perfect choice to chair the Northern Powerhouse because he detests the South and its people.
Osborne, who has spent the last two months brooding in semi-darkness in his Cheshire constituency, has emerged to declare himself ‘150 per cent Northern’ and London’s greatest enemy.
He continued: “Who needs them, with their big glass offices and their prosperity, when we Northerners have something far better. Grit. Authenticity. Near-constant rain.
“I may have been born, educated and lived all my life in the South, but the backstabbing bastards down there never really believed in austerity, while up here it’s a way of life.
“Gammer Osborne, as I would like you to call me from now on, is never happier than standing on a Lake District hill with a plastic cup of black peas, soaked in drizzle, thinking about what effete wankers all Southerners are.
“Also, can I just say I love Barnsley?”
Stephen Malley of Manchester said: “He’s a fancy plum-voiced tosser who sips his brew like a ponce and doesn’t even know any Roses B-sides.
“But fuck it, he genuinely hates Southerners so he’s in.”