Wednesday, 12th August 2020

I only smirked because it was f**king hilarious, says Bercow

THE Speaker of the House has clarified that he only smirked when cancelling a third Brexit vote yesterday because it was so incredibly funny. 

John Bercow admitted that he spent the whole weekend, during which senior Tories pontificated about who would change sides and offered the DUP a Range Rover Evoque each, absolutely weak with laughter but had managed to calm it down.

He continued: “This is why it had to be a surprise statement. If Theresa had been there on the front bench there’s no way I could have got through it without breaking down.

“Just seeing Leadsom in her poisonous little fury had me biting the inside of my cheek hard. The face on her.

“I basically got a bunch of self-righteous will-of-the-people arseholes all standing on the one trapdoor, then pulled a wooden lever installed in 1604 they’d all forgotten about.

“Jacob Rees-Mogg got it. He was absolutely pissing his sides afterwards. He’s a good lad.”

Bercow added: “Apparently now they’re going to restart parliament. Get the Queen to do an early speech. This is comedy gold.”