I outrank the Queen, claims Rees-Mogg

JACOB Rees-Mogg has asserted that as Leader of the Commons and England’s greatest living Victorian, the Queen is his servant. 

The member for North East Somerset brushed aside accusations of impropriety following yesterday’s court decision by suggesting that, if anything, Her Majesty should be apologising to him.

He said: “Her bloodline’s only been on the throne since 1714. Arrivistes.

“I have no objection to her remaining as a figurehead for the masses, but be in no doubt as to where power truly resides in this nation. Not with the noveau riche Hanoverians.

“I shall visit the palace, though it’s more of a townhouse to one of my breeding, and once she’s finished her bowing and scraping I will inform her that her dynasty is over and it is time for the true ruler to step forward and lead.

“Then I shall unite the warring houses of Conservative and Brexit by announcing my marriage to Annunziata Rees-Mogg and begin the Empire anew.”

When reminded that Annunziata Rees-Mogg is his sister, the MP said: “Mm. I did say we would be doing this properly.”

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Labour to abolish all posh people except Phoebe Waller-Bridge

THE Labour conference has voted that all posh people will be made into commoners with the exception of Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

The latest policy prounouncement means that aristocrats and their titles will be liquidated and their inheritances nationalised, apart from the Emmy-winning Fleabag writer and star.

Shadow chancellor John McDonnell said: “The landed gentry have been a scourge of the working man ever since the enclosures of the 13th century. But my God, when she turns to the camera it gets you right there, doesn’t it?

“It’s ending injustice, pure and simple. Which really is what Fleabag’s all about, so Waller-Bridge clearly gets it and she can stay and be made, I don’t know, a Baroness?

“Jeremy is more of a Killing Eve fan but there’s no argument that she simply owns television in 2019, even if she is plummier than a greengrocers’ in September.

“I can’t wait for her Bond film. He’s a misogynist colonialist relic and all that, but I bet she’ll make it brilliant.”

Prominent Labour figures are thought to be working on dispensation appeals for other posh-but-popular characters like Stephen Fry and Joanna Lumley, but have been warned they will probably get the guillotine.