I wish it was you firing me, May tells Patel

THE prime minister has fired secretary of state Priti Patel while telling her she wishes with all her heart it was the other way around. 

May confessed to Patel that although having secret meeting with the Israelis was a sackable offence, it paled in comparison to her own lamentable performance but “sadly nobody’s willing to pull the trigger.” 

Patel said: “It was so awkward. She said ‘You don’t know how often I’ve dreamed of sitting on your side of the desk, finally being summarily dismissed for my gross incompetence.’ 

“‘Every day I wake up hoping today will be the day that someone releases from this terrible mess I’ve made so I can sit in a garden shed all day like Cameron, happily disgraced. God knows they’ve got reason.’ 

“‘I suppose you’ll be going getting a proper job in the City or something now. Meanwhile I’ll be stuck here shovelling the shit, terrified of Rupert Murdoch’s expression when I tell him that actually Brexit isn’t viable.’ 

“Then she said, ‘Fly free, my Priti! Fly free!’ with her eyes shut tight and a single tear rolling down her face.’”