I wish it was you firing me, May tells Patel

THE prime minister has fired secretary of state Priti Patel while telling her she wishes with all her heart it was the other way around. 

May confessed to Patel that although having secret meeting with the Israelis was a sackable offence, it paled in comparison to her own lamentable performance but “sadly nobody’s willing to pull the trigger.” 

Patel said: “It was so awkward. She said ‘You don’t know how often I’ve dreamed of sitting on your side of the desk, finally being summarily dismissed for my gross incompetence.’ 

“‘Every day I wake up hoping today will be the day that someone releases from this terrible mess I’ve made so I can sit in a garden shed all day like Cameron, happily disgraced. God knows they’ve got reason.’ 

“‘I suppose you’ll be going getting a proper job in the City or something now. Meanwhile I’ll be stuck here shovelling the shit, terrified of Rupert Murdoch’s expression when I tell him that actually Brexit isn’t viable.’ 

“Then she said, ‘Fly free, my Priti! Fly free!’ with her eyes shut tight and a single tear rolling down her face.’”

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West Ham reluctantly unveil Moyes as manager

DAVID Moyes is probably going to have to be West Ham’s new manager, the club has wearily announced.

After sacking Slaven Bilic, West Ham’s directors declared with grim resignation that Moyes would be their default appointment.

David Gold said: “We could’ve pretended that we had various other exciting options like Carlo Ancelotti or Marco Silva, but what’s the point in prolonging the agony when we all know it’ll be Moyes?

“I don’t even recall calling David to offer him the job, we just heard a knock at the door and there he was staring at us with those desperate puppy dog eyes and we knew the game was up.

“The only consolation is that it’s not Sam Allardyce again, although I think he’ll come round next.”

David Moyes said: “I’m looking forward to making a futile attempt to turn this team’s fortunes around before being laid off at the start of February.

“It’s just nice to be indoors for the winter.”