Iain Duncan Smith to stack all those shelves himself

THE Work and Pensions Secretary is to spend the next 4,570 nights stacking shelves at Poundland.

Following a High Court decision that making benefit claimants work for free is unlawful, Duncan Smith is being held personally liable to fulfil contracts made to supply labour.

His first shift began at Poundland in Newcastle-under-Lyme at 10pm yesterday evening, when Duncan Smith was handed a branded tabard and told to “guard it with his life”.

He was then given his first official caution of the night for leaving the Povvos Suck tattoo on his upper arm exposed.

Poundland employee Emma Bradford said: “He was caught curled up trying to sleep on a pallet of cat litter in the back, which is when the manager gave him his second caution.

“Then Iain got put on pricing, and if anything he was even more useless. He wouldn’t stop asking how much everything was.”

A tired-looking Duncan Smith told reporters: “It’s challenging but good breeding is on my side, giving me the height to reach even the top shelf on the notoriously demanding cereals aisle.

“And I categorically deny any suggestion that I was given my third caution at 6am been getting caught smoking a hash pipe with a security guard out by the bins.”

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My two-faced 'friend' has been spying on me

Dear Holly,

I’ve recently discovered that someone who I thought was a friend is a two-faced snake who has been spying on me. My security people tell me it’s to do with state secrets but I know full well he’s after my granny’s secret recipe for Apple strudel; his wife was green with envy last time I served it up. How can I ever trust my friend again?


Dear Angela,

Don’t be too quick to judge your friend. When you’re the youngest in the family like me, no-one ever tells you anything, so sometimes your only option is to hide in the wardrobe and listen in. However, if you’re going to engage in covert operations you need to be prepared for some shocking truths. For example: Father Christmas, the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny are nothing but cynical corporate fabrications; none of the grown-ups in charge, including the Prime Minister, has a clue how to run the country; and also your granny was caught shoplifting from Ann Summers again.

Hope that helps!