‘I’ll wear a tie when you wrap it around my cold, dead neck’, says Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn will never wear a tie as long as there is breath in his body, he has confirmed.

The Labour leadership candidate has set out his position on ties, hats and scarves, insisting hats are brilliant, scarves are useful and ties are fascist.

He said: “They’re silky chains of oppression, used by oligarchs to enslave you. None of you like wearing ties, but you do it because of capitalism. I refuse to be part of the machine.”

Corbyn added: “You can make me wear a tie, but you better be comfortable playing dress-up with a corpse.”

But the left-winger’s leadership rivals warned that Corbyn would be tie-less at key events such as prime minister’s questions and Remembrance Sunday at the Cenotaph.

Andy Burnham said: “It would leave hard-working families confused and angry and would cause these important events to be cancelled.

“I wear a tie. It’s a red one which shows that I love the NHS, but also understand the world of business and offices.”

Meanwhile, Yvette Copper dismissed Corbyn’s ‘open-necked fantasy world’, adding: “Men should always wear a tie at the Cenotaph, but women shouldn’t because that would be weird.”

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What happens to you one hour after reading the Daily Mail

NEW research by the Institute for Studies has revealed what happens in the first hour after the Daily Mail hits your eyes.

— In the first 10 minutes Mail headlines, disguised as rhetorical questions, trick your moral sense and the pineal gland, which controls your fear of ‘the other’, begins pumping fear hormones into your bloodstream.

— Within 15 minutes the brain’s limbic system, confused by images of attractive celebrities being sneered at for being attractive, reroutes all feelings of sexual attraction to contempt and loathing.

— After 20 minutes the body activates its hate storage mode, creating new reservoirs of rotten bile to be spewed at any conspicuous displays of compassion.

— After 40 minutes the acid of intense class envy reaches the bloodstream, creating a false high of self-righteousness and lasting belief that you are the only one in the country who works hard.

— Within 60 minutes, the stimulation to neuroreceptors from the Coffee Break Sudoku is fading, leaving readers desperately ‘chasing the Bassett’ by trying to enjoy the cartoons.

— Beyond this point, the body binds toxins to itself leading to irritability, brain fog and the nagging sensation that nobody is truly innocent, especially not the 15-year-old children of celebrities.