I'm here for the long term, says wasp in kitchen

A LATE-SUMMER wasp in a kitchen has reassured the electorate that it is here for the long-term. 

The wasp, which insists it has not lost the power of flight, is crawling drunkenly across a table while claiming that a bright future of unlimited sugar lies ahead of it.

It continued: “I’m not one of these wasps who’s around for a single summer and then turns up all crispy and mummified behind a bin. I’m here to stay.

“The long-term plan is I’ll crawl over here, then rest for a bit, then take to the air and buzz around a picnic or something. But I don’t want to reveal my cards too early. I’m clever like that.

“Ultimately all Europe will bow to my majesty, and I will be the immortal wasp ruler and build a global empire of paper that will last for a thousand years. I don’t think that’s an unrealistic goal.”

Householder Tom Booker said: “It’s basically dead but could still give you a nasty sting. Leave it a couple of months.”

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All burgers now impossible to eat

IT IS no longer possible to buy a burger you can fit in your mouth, it has been confirmed.

Restaurants have become obsessed with towering burgers held together with a giant toothpick, a clear sign they are structurally unsound.

Food critic Donna Sheridan said: “Normal burgers, that you can eat without getting slop all down your front like a particularly gormless toddler, are now extinct.

“Even fast food chains, known for their small, flaccid burgers, are cramming in unwieldy fillings like pulled pork and shitloads of coleslaw, just so that they can fall on the floor.

“The only solution is to gingerly nibble the burger like a squirrel, or dissect it with a knife and fork, in which case it’s basically a plate of meat and bread.

“They’ve also started giving the burgers stupid names like ‘the El Rancho Super-Sloppy’. People who think of shit like that ought to be killed.”

Burger fan Roy Hobbs said: “I liked it when you could go to a restaurant and eat a burger with dignity. It’s hard to impress a date when you’re constantly retrieving greasy jalapeno pepper from your groin.”