I'm not even dipping a toe in that f**king mess, says Queen

THE Queen has responded to Brexiter calls to dissolve parliament by clarifying she is going nowhere near that shitstorm. 

The monarch, who technically has the right to overrule parliament’s decision and appoint a new government, has confirmed that she does not intend to do so within the next million years.

She continued: “I’ve kept schtum for 67 years, and now’s the moment you want me to step in? Uh-uh. No bloody way.

“You choose the government. I appoint a government. The government does the job. I don’t see any clauses demanding I fix everyone else’s cock-ups.

“I didn’t make a fuss when my whole empire, which I quite liked by the way, was frittered away. I didn’t start throwing the toys about when we became lapdogs for America. I kept quiet when you sold my yacht.

“So I’m going to sit on my throne and watch with interest as you try and dig yourselves out of this hole. Three words: Not. My. Problem. End of.”

She added: “Do you want Charles in charge? Yeah. Exactly.”

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Losing scratchcard stared at for extra 20 seconds just in case

A LOSING Lotto scratchcard has been stared at for an additional 20 seconds on the chance that the buyer mistook £200 for £5,000 at first glance. 

Martin Bishop bought the Double Match scratchcard for £2 yesterday and, after uncovering eight non-matching numbers within 13 seconds, proceeded to check in case his eyes had failed to correctly recognise matching numbers.

He said: “That time I won £500 I didn’t have to check. I knew. Because two of the numbers were the same.

“But whenever I can’t immediately see matching symbols or a line or whatever, I always go back and make absolutely sure rather than throw a winning card away, like a fucking idiot.

“So far I’ve always confirmed my initial findings rather than overturning them, which only goes to show that it’s well worth doing.

“Then I mutter ‘fuck, that cost two quid’ before I go and buy another one.”