In the face of a global health emergency we have a twat in charge, Britain realises

THE UK is slowly waking up to the fact that, in the face of an oncoming world catastrophe, it has chosen to put a d*ckhead in charge. 

As the coronavirus spreads across Europe to become a pandemic, Britons have realised that we are in the grips of a genuine global crisis and a tousle-haired shagabout clown will be handling it.

Nathan Muir of Mansfield said: “In fairness to us, we didn’t know this was coming. But now there’s a genuine world-changing event on the horizon it feels a bit like George W Bush on September 11th.

“You know exactly what Boris will do. Nothing, because he assumes nothing bad could ever happen because he’s posh, then he’ll overreact and declare curfews and martial law and make everything much worse.

“He’ll ship the Royals to the Shetlands, close the NHS because it’s costing too much, blame the coronavirus for ‘not respecting Brexit’ and finally announce a slimmed-down Britain is open for business and kick the pandemic off again.

“Is the worst possible person in charge at the worst possible time? And is that my fault? Well, maybe.”

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn said: “This virus is a CIA superweapon. We should be welcoming refugees from China and expelling all Americans.”

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Passive-aggressive email phrases to make your colleagues hate you

EVER included the phrase ‘as per my previous email’ to suggest the person you’re writing to is as thick as mince? Then you’ll enjoy these too: 

Please advise

Used as the last paragraph of an email, all by itself, this screams ‘What the f**k have you done, you useless bellend? And how the f*ck are you going to sort it out? Because there’s no way I’m taking any of the blame for this.’

Does that make sense?

Essentially translates as ‘This is not the first time I’ve explained this. You are clearly very, very stupid and I want you to know but can’t tell you to your face until we’re both sh*tfaced at the next Christmas party.’

Please let me know if I am missing something

Even scarier than telling them they’re an idiot is suggesting they think you are. Especially good if you’re their line manager and they spend the few months having a nervous breakdown about their appraisal.

You were CC’d

You completely ignored something that wasn’t directed specifically at you, like a toddler who doesn’t respond unless you bark their name first. Especially embarrassing when lots of other people were CC’d in as well.

Per HR policy

Suggesting you’ll bring in the big boys will sh*t whoever you’re emailing right up, even if you have no idea whether they have transgressed HR policy or not. At the very least it’ll make them actually read the email.

Regards

Nothing says ‘I hate everything about you, you feckless twat’, than an ice cold ‘Regards’ at the end of an email. The written equivalent of slamming a door in their face.