Jacob Rees-Mogg and David Davis to decide Tory leadership race with cannons

JACOB Rees-Mogg and David Davis will decide the Tory leadership contest by firing 19th Century cannons at each other outside Parliament.

Both the leading contenders want to establish their authority over the party with a display of ruinous violence that will cause millions of pounds worth of damage to the Palace of Westminster.

Tory MPs backed the plan insisting Rees-Mogg was a modern version of a toadying junior officer who would have supported the disastrous Charge of the Light Brigade.

Meanwhile, Davis is seen as a modern version of an experienced general who would have ordered the disastrous Charge of the Light Brigade.

Tory backbencher Martin Bishop said: “Either way we get a leader who will ensure the sort Brexit we want – a modern version of the Charge of the Light Brigade. Bold, adventurous and everyone gets killed.”

He added: “Also it means that Boris Johnson is not involved. He would want to settle it with some sort of public school game involving a biscuit.”

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Family admits 'staycation' was incredibly stupid idea

A FAMILY who thought it would be fun to stay home instead of going away on holiday has admitted it was a shit idea.

The Palmers, from Stevenage, were just two days into their summer ‘staycation’ when they realised they should have gone to Spain, France or Cornwall like normal, vaguely intelligent people.

Mrs Palmer said: “The idea was to spend some quality family time together without the hassle of going away. What a prize fucking idiot I truly am.

“I wish I was drunk. On a beach.

“On my own.”

Mr Palmer said: “I have made a big salad. I have cycled along a woodland trail. I have been to Blenheim Palace.

“I was incredibly drunk and wearing shorts while doing all of those things, but it’s still a lot of piss.”