Saturday, 7th December 2019

Jennifer Arcuri's top six secrets of Boris Johnson

AMERICAN businesswoman and 70s-sitcom blonde Jennifer Arcuri has kept Boris Johnson’s secrets – until now. Find out what the PM is hiding: 

His children are born in litters

Johnson told Arcuri, to impress her, that he is so fertile that he produces illegitimate progeny not one at a time but in litters of five to fifteen. All are blonde; the boys are called Boris and the girls do not matter.

He is not an old Etonian

Johnson actually went to a comprehensive in Bracknell, and fabricated a posh background by obsessively reading Tom Brown’s School Days and Lord Snooty, which explains his obsessive need to beat David Cameron and his bad Latin.

He killed a man and covered it up

While round for a tech session. Johnson once mentioned that he and a few friends had wondered what it was like to kill someone, went out, did it and hid the body on a grouse moor. He added that it was ‘not much of a buzz’.

He has a blowhole

In danger of losing 45-to-60-year-old suburban Tories if they find out, Johnson is desperate to conceal the grotesque breathing hole located in his upper back. Although useful in times of rising seas, he worries the orifice, and his taste for raw seal, could cost him swing seats.

He is only sexually aroused by Winston Churchill

Despite his reputation as a shagger, Johnson is a tearful, impotent wreck if his sexual partner refuses to dress as Britain’s famous WW2 leader. Arcuri claims he would ask her to pole dance in nothing but a homburg hat and cigar while pretending to have a botched plan to capture Gallipoli.

He is not very nice

Despite his jovial, clown-like demeanour, in private Boris is an utter b*stard. Among his hobbies are cutting the brake cables on unattended mobility scooters and holding gladiatorial contests between squirrels with Stanley knife blades glued to their paws.