Johnson doesn't know meaning of 'favourable treatment', says anyone who's slept with him

BORIS Johnson’s lovers have confirmed that Jennifer Arcuri cannot have received ‘favourable treatment’ because he does not know what it means.

One woman who slept with the prime minister said: “Johnson is the type of man who thinks he’s treating you ‘favourably’ if he calls you a ‘fine fillie’ or offers to sign your breasts.

“Which is a proposition he’ll offer to every fair-haired female Tory under the age of 35, with no favouritism at all.”

Another source added: “The next morning he offered to take me to brunch with Michael Gove and Sarah Vine. No-one would call that favourable treatment.

“I do have some sympathy for the man. He spreads himself so thinly he has trouble remembering how many children he has.”

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Woman who doesn't have enough bullshit in her life thinking about joining Twitter

A WOMAN who does not currently have angry, weird arguments with  strangers is thinking about joining Twitter.

Emma Bradford confirmed her new found interest in a social media account  after realising her life could really do with ‘a load more bullshit in it’.

Bradford said: “At the minute, I tend to spend my time talking with friends, or maybe cooking or doing yoga.

“But whilst I’m doing all that boring, ‘normal’ stuff, I could actually be arguing with a bot in the deep south of America about whether or not Donald Trump is fit for political office.

“He obviously isn’t but all my friends agree with that so who can I argue with about it?”

“Even old Frank, the security guard at work who once told me he voted UKIP, thinks he’s a fucking idiot.”

“Old Frank did stress that he only voted for UKIP because he’d ‘accidentally’ got hooked on inhaling nail polish remover around about the same time.”