Johnson manages to make Love Actually even sh*tter

BORIS Johnson has amazed Britain by managing to star in a version of Love Actually even sh*ttier than Love Actually already was. 

The Conservative leader’s political take on the much-despised Christmas classic is widely agreed to have made a scene everyone already hated far, far worse.

Viewer Carolyn Ryan said: “Love Actually was already everything that’s wrong about love and Christmas. Now it’s everything that’s wrong about politics, too.

“As if this car crash of a Christmas election needed to be worse, that stupid-haired bastard has now combined it in the nation’s collective mind with that crappy, sentimental excuse for a festive film.

“His choice to act out the stalkery doorstep scene doesn’t surprise me, as he’s obviously the type of bloke that would use underhand tactics to chat up someone else’s wife whilst they weren’t looking.

“But it’s made me scared to open the door. What if it’s Boris Johnson who has personally turned up to force me into voting for the Conservatives with a mixture of emotional blackmail and outright lies written on boards?

“He’s turned it from a terrible romcom to a genuine horror. Though, Hugh Grant as prime minister? He’d shag you, but at least he’d use contraception.”

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What's your pathetic excuse for voting for Boris Johnson?

DESPITE widespread agreement that he’s a lying twat, millions of people still intend to vote for Boris Johnson. What’s your depressing justification?

Immigrants

It’s not entirely clear how immigrants are harming the average Brit. But that’s what it’s about, isn’t it? As Brexiters like to say, ‘We’re full’. Yes we are. Of disingenuous kn*bheads pretending it’s not about immigrants.

The NHS

If you believe Boris Johnson on the NHS you may as well believe in anything, eg. a six-foot rabbit is coming to buy you a house and he’ll look after the kids with a delicious but healthy meal on the table every day at 6pm. Thanks, imaginary giant bunny! You’ve got my vote!

Boris is fun

The evil clown Pennywise from It is fun. He’s spooky, deranged and says moderately amusing things. However you probably wouldn’t want Pennywise to run the country. Unless the other option was Jeremy Corbyn.

Tories are good at the economy

If you believe this: f**k off. Without an in-depth discussion of Keynesian economic orthodoxy, which no one wants in the morning, every indicator suggests Tories are not very good on economics. It’s like saying murderers are great at managing end-of-life care.

Labour are rubbish

Jeremy Corbyn’s failure to connect with the electorate could be debated, or indeed go on, for about 200 years. Is he worse than Boris? No.

Freedom of speech on campus and golliwogs and whatever

If your only points of reference are propaganda from the Sun and Telegraph then you are totally right to vote for this idiot, and cannot be challenged.