Kezia Dugdale quits to become prophet of doom

SCOTTISH Labour leader Kezia Dugdale has quit to wander her native land as a scorned prophet whose warnings of imminent destruction will be ignored. 

The Lothians MSP said in her resignation letter that she is to spend her future being wild-eyed, wearing grubby robes, and foretelling her homeland’s terrible fate from town-to-town. 

She continued: “I offered to remain in my position while making statements like ‘The end is coming’ and ‘We’re all doomed’ which are consistent with Scottish Labour’s message. 

“Ultimately, however, I decided I could reach more people by wandering barefoot, rattling my chains, and shouting ‘Repent!’ directly into their homes. We pride ourselves on the personal touch.

“I only hope I’ve got enough time to grow a ragged grey beard before the end. I might have left it too late.” 

The news follows Tim Farron’s decision to quit as leader of the Lib Dems to roam the UK curing the afflicted of homosexuality with his blessed hands. 

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Taylor Swift's new song 'just shit'

TAYLOR Swift’s new song does not have deeper levels and is just a shit thing, it has been confirmed.

The singer’s latest release Look What You Made Me Do has prompted widespread speculation about hidden layers of meaning within its lyrical and visual content. However experts have confirmed it is simply shit.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Is Swift swiping at some mysterious enemies, or rather reinventing herself as some classical archetype of the warlike goddess figure?

“Is this a piece of modern situationist art that toys with notions of identity and presents consumerist cliches in a smart postmodern way?

“It’s hard to say but I can definitely tell you it’s shit. Really, really shit. Like it was made by a robot, but a robot that couldn’t even be arsed.”

Responding to the song’s massive Youtube success, Brubaker said: “Well it has got sexy girls in it. You may not have noticed but internet users seem to respond quite well to that.”