Labour given 500,000-vote head start to make this vaguely interesting

THE Labour party will receive a head start in the election to try and inject a bit of tension, it has emerged.

Jeremy Corbyn and Theresa May agreed that Labour could have half a million ‘starter votes’ in recognition of the country’s increasing desperation to care about all this.

Political analyst Eleanor Shaw said: “Everyone agreed this election was about as exciting as reading a lengthy Agatha Christie book when you’ve already seen the film and know the gardener did it.

“A bunch of bonus votes should make Labour feel a bit more involved. It’s like the handicap system in golf, but for democracy.”

Voter Roy Hobbs said: “This was looking more predictable than a Marvel superhero film, but now it’s like there’s everything to play for. It could go either way.

“But with Labour unveiling bold, exciting policies like nationalising the water industry, it probably won’t.”

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Rightmove confirmed as 'Tinder for married people'

COUPLES get their kicks from ogling period homes with plenty of character rather than hot single people, it has emerged.

Emma Bradshaw and Wayne Hayes have been together for ten years and still find each other moderately attractive, yet both admit to seeking some extra excitement from Rightmove.

Bradshaw said: “We’re not yet at the stage of secretly downloading dating apps and engaging in dispiriting ‘sexting’ with people half our age, so what currently does it for us is a good, long session on property sites.

“It’s very similar to Tinder. Answer a few generic questions about the sort of thing you’re looking for and then make quick, thoughtless value judgements based on how well the photo’s lit.

“Tom really gets going over a double garage or off street parking, whereas I’ve got a bit of a thing for a kitchen-diner with breakfast bar. Throw in a herringbone wood floor and we’ll be satiated for days.

“Much like with online dating apps, it never goes anywhere. We just have a bit of a moan about our current home, then decide we love it really.

“Well, for a few days at least. Then it irritates us with a leaky boiler and the whole cycle begins again.”