Labour pledges new way of treating Scotland with utter contempt

THE Labour party has pledged to renew its unbridled contempt for Scottish voters.

Miliband told this little Scottish woman she speaks very good English

As the party’s support in Scotland plummeted it admitted it had lost its passion for treating Scots like a bunch of little children who are unable to wipe their own backsides.

Leader Ed Miliband said: “We’ve always assumed Scottish people would just go out and vote for us, but perhaps in recent years we haven’t made them feel sufficiently idiotic and worthless.

“We need to get back to telling them everything that’s wrong in their lives is someone else’s fault.

“We need to get back to producing manifestos that are just 60 pages of the word ‘Thatcher’ over and over again.

“We need to come up with a new list of things that must be banned, because if Scottish people are left unsupervised they will accidentally hit themselves in the face with a spanner.”

Jim Murphy, the favourite to become the next Scottish Labour leader, added: “We allowed our contempt for Scottish voters to be dictated by London.

“I don’t need Ed Miliband to tell me that Glaswegians are pathetic street urchins who need to be kept just poor enough.”

An SNP spokesman said: “What lesson?”


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High-earning bastard sick of everyone presuming he has good side

A SUCCESSFUL City banker has asked everyone to stop suggesting he secretly has a heart of gold.

Tom Logan revealed that acquaintances insist on giving him the benefit of the doubt despite his consistently unpleasant demeanour and frequent boasts of impoverishing small countries.

Logan said: “I like money, bragging about money and actively disparaging anyone who has less money than me.

“I don’t have friends, I have no time for the arts and if I  thought I would get away with it I would push you off a cliff.

“But still people assume I must be planning to retire early and set up some kind of philanthropic foundation. Fuck that.”

He added: “I don’t even like dogs.”