Last three years retroactively classified as good times that are now over

THE past three years have been a decadent boom era that must now end, the chancellor has declared.

George Osborne said that the 2013-2016 ‘Era of Plenty’, which according to official records being amended today began on April 16th 2013, are over because of our own greed. 

He continued: “We have all spent the last three years dressed in designer labels, gorging in Michelin-starred restaurants, splashing out thousands on high-end electronic goods we didn’t even know how to use. 

“It was like The Great Gatsby. But that’s all gone now. Wages are going down, inflation’s going right up, and God help you if you squandered your opportunity to buy a house. 

“Still, we all enjoyed ourselves, didn’t we? We’ll always have those memories.”

Helen Archer of Coventry said: “I wish I’d known at the time these were the good years, then I would’ve bought a new Mini instead of a 12-year-old Micra with a fucked gearbox. 

“I did go large on a Big Mac meal in 2014, so I suppose that counts.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
On Friday, you decide to make yourself some of that fancy vodka with gold flakes in, and head out to the shops to pick up a cheese-grater and a goldfish.  

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
This week, why not write 30 open letters a day to people you perceive to have criticised your parenting? That seems worthwhile.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
It’s a great week for you financially, because you were born with money. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your crystal is quartz, your spirit animal is a seahorse, your aura colour is aquamarine and your card has declined so I’m going to need cash.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A party on Friday goes badly, as you learn you can’t claim diplomatic immunity to get out of a game of Diplomacy. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A personal triumph for you on Saturday, as your song Truck Away The Pain hits number one on the Billboard Hot Country chart. Unfortunately you live in Britain, where nobody gives a fuck.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If you have one ambition in life, it’s to be the bloke who looks a bit like Martin Clunes in the opening credits to Cheers.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re kicked out of Weight Watchers tomorrow when you ask why they’re not called Chubby Checkers.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No news from Dave on your show idea Meth History, where comedians munted on crack recount historical events while hustling handjobs for spare change.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Today you’ll celebrate the announcement of a new Indiana Jones film by smashing every single film camera in the world.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s been some time since you nourished your spiritual side so this Sunday why not light some candles, adopt a relaxing position, take some deep breaths and watch Nuns On The Run again?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Some of your best friends are black. Given the fact they’re all imaginary, they can basically be any colour you want.