DAVID Cameron survived a day’s questioning at the Leveson inquiry by turning semi-invisible, it has emerged.
At 10.07, Mr Cameron began to blend in with his surroundings. He had almost entirely vanished by 10.35, apart from his eyes, which swivelled independently of each other.
The Prime Minister’s phone bleeped constantly throughout the day. When challenged by Robert Jay QC, semi-invisible Cameron reluctantly read out some of the messages.
He said: “They, ah, appear to be supportive messages from Mrs Brooks riffing on the first syllable of my name.
“For example, ‘When this is over we’ll sit down for a ‘country supper’ with organic veggies and a nice joint of Cam,’ and ‘There’s been a ‘Cam raid’ on the nation’s fluttering hearts.”
Jay replied: “That’s enough, please stop now. Please.”
Proceedings then temporarily halted as the assembled humans reeled from the nauseatingly sycophantic wordplay and the mental image of something called a ‘country supper’ involving Rebekah Brooks wielding a carving knife.
Later in the day, when cornered about poor decisions by culture secretary Jeremy Hunt, Cameron inhaled a large amount of air to give the impression of physical bulk and displayed reddish ‘neck frill’.
He then steadily deflated as the questioning became less aggressive.