Leveson triggers Cameron's camouflage reflex

DAVID Cameron survived a day’s questioning at the Leveson inquiry by turning semi-invisible, it has emerged.

At 10.07, Mr Cameron began to blend in with his surroundings. He had almost entirely vanished by 10.35, apart from his eyes, which swivelled independently of each other.

The Prime Minister’s phone bleeped constantly throughout the day. When challenged by Robert Jay QC, semi-invisible Cameron reluctantly read out some of the messages.

He said: “They, ah, appear to be supportive messages from Mrs Brooks riffing on the first syllable of my name.

“For example, ‘When this is over we’ll sit down for a ‘country supper’ with organic veggies and a nice joint of Cam,’ and ‘There’s been a ‘Cam raid’ on the nation’s fluttering hearts.”

Jay replied: “That’s enough, please stop now. Please.”

Proceedings then temporarily halted as the assembled humans reeled from the nauseatingly sycophantic wordplay and the mental image of something called a ‘country supper’ involving Rebekah Brooks wielding a carving knife.

Later in the day, when cornered about poor decisions by culture secretary Jeremy Hunt, Cameron inhaled a large amount of air to give the impression of physical bulk and displayed reddish ‘neck frill’.

He then steadily deflated as the questioning became less aggressive.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Football cameramen threaten sexy woman strike

FOOTBALL cameramen have asked for more pay to continue filming attractive female spectators.

The specialist ‘girl finder’ cameramen responsible for picking out the young, pretty women in cropped replica tops from amongst the hordes of potbellied racists believe their skills should be rewarded with a 25% bonus.

Girl finder cameraman Roy Hobbs said: ““I’’ve been doing this job since the 80s, when you were lucky to find a single woman in the stadium that wasn’’t built like James Corden and dishing out meat pies.

“I’’ve earned it.”

Hobbs added: “We train for years by covering the golf. Once we can track a white ball against a grey sky from half a mile away, we’re ready for the challenge of finding a human-looking England supporter.

““If we don’t get an agreement coverage of England matches will still go ahead but expect to see lots of sudden close-ups of sweaty, balding, fat little bastards that will make you switch over to Channel 4.”