Lib Dem MPs to form rural puppet theatre company

THE remaining Liberal Democrat MPs are to tour the country in a people carrier re-engaging voters via a hard-hitting puppet show.

Since resigning as party leader, Nick Clegg has already started writing the show under the working title of Vince Cable and Danny Alexander Are Dead.

The marionette-based play will tour village halls, post offices and launderettes throughout the UK for the next five years.

Clegg said: “Now that all of the Liberal Democrat’s elected representatives can fit neatly into a Mazda Bongo, the time is ripe to take to the road and commune with the ordinary people of Britain via politically-charged puppetry.

“Mark Williams has started constructing the set out of an old bed sheet and a torch, whilst Norman Lamb and Tim Farron are composing a haunting score for recorder and kazoo.

“The other four will mainly be coming along to pad out the audiences and make cups of tea.”

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Cheese is dark lord of the fridge

THE other foods in your fridge are all scared of the cheese, it has emerged.

The dairy product rules over the refridgerator with an iron fist, inspiring great fear for its mystical quality of being stale and yet not stale.

Block of cheddar Tom Logan said: “Whatever happens in this fridge goes through me first. No questions, no dicking around.”

Tomato Mary Fisher said: “As soon as I arrived it was made clear to me that I would be inhabiting the lower shelves and that if I had any problem with that I should take it up with the cheese.

“I don’t have a problem with that.”

She added: “The cheese can be cruel but ultimately it has this aura of slightly unhygienic toughness about it that makes it a natural leader. You could turn to it in the event of a power cut and it would know what to do.”

Lettuce Roy Hobbs said: “Cheese is just so solid. It’s pure brutality, combining an imposing physical presence with massive potential for indigestion.”