Liz Kendall to punch UK's last coal miner

LABOUR leadership hopeful Liz Kendall has promised to punch the last surviving British coal miner hard in the face.

The punch, which will take place in front of the media at the site of Woolley Colliery in Barnsley later today, is Kendall’s attempt to outflank her rivals on the right.

Kendall said: “This miner, who lives in a terraced home on benefits and doesn’t even own a car, represents everything that Labour needs to leave behind.

“He worked down the mines for more than 40 years and never invested in the property market, never started his own business, no aspiration whatsoever.

“It will be my pleasure to deck him.”

Once Kendall has punched 62-year-old Roy Hobbs, she will confiscate the instruments of the Woolley Colliery Brass Band and melt them down to make a statue of Alistair Campbell.

Hobbs said: “She’s Labour, so I’m sure it’s for the best.”

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Bin Laden was 9/11 conspiracy theorist

OSAMA bin Laden was convinced that the CIA were responsible for the 9/11 attacks despite planning them himself, it has emerged.

The al-Qaeda leader’s library included several books questioning the official story of 9/11 with margin notes including “WTC7 – controlled demolition?” and “PYROCLASTIC CLOUD?! IMPOSSIBLE!!!”

Bin Laden wrote in his journal: “Naively, I took full responsibility for 9/11 merely because I’d originated the idea, financed it and masterminded the operation to the last detail.

“But after watching Loose Change I realised that I was deluding myself. A handful of unstable terrorists carrying out the biggest attack ever on American soil? It’s simply not credible.

“George W Bush had the means, he had the motive and his undoubted genius meant the whole thing was executed flawlessly.

“I was a patsy, like Lee Harvey Oswald, and now they’re trying to silence me. How did I not see it before?”

Former president George W Bush, speaking from a secret location, said: “Bin Laden was onto something, but he had no idea how deep it went.

“The thermite found at Ground Zero? The Cheney memo? I was being set up the whole way down the line.

“The Twin Towers never fell, people. Wake up.”