Liz Kendall to punch UK’s last coal miner

LABOUR leadership hopeful Liz Kendall has promised to punch the last surviving British coal miner hard in the face.

The punch, which will take place in front of the media at the site of Woolley Colliery in Barnsley later today, is Kendall’s attempt to outflank her rivals on the right.

Kendall said: “This miner, who lives in a terraced home on benefits and doesn’t even own a car, represents everything that Labour needs to leave behind.

“He worked down the mines for more than 40 years and never invested in the property market, never started his own business, no aspiration whatsoever.

“It will be my pleasure to deck him.”

Once Kendall has punched 62-year-old Roy Hobbs, she will confiscate the instruments of the Woolley Colliery Brass Band and melt them down to make a statue of Alistair Campbell.

Hobbs said: “She’s Labour, so I’m sure it’s for the best.”