LOOKING for new opportunities? Want to make cash fast, no questions asked? Simply become a Conservative party donor and fill your boots. Julian Cook explains how:
Get that donation over NOW
If you can afford £200,000 or more, great, but government cronyism is so rampant £75 is worth a punt. You’d be a fool to miss out on building a Boris Bridge across the river Trent because a loft insulation firm from Crewe got there first.
Set up a company
It doesn’t really matter what; a couple of barely-profitable burger vans would do. Once you’re a donating businessperson you’ll be awarded a huge contract to supply all school dinners in the UK, or possibly logistics for the entire British army.
Spend time with your local Tory
Donations traditionally include activities with prominent Tories, for example playing tennis with Dominic Raab, so there’s a transaction of sorts and it looks less like a bribe. Other good places to find Tories include landowners’ associations and company board meetings.
Be mates with Matt Hancock
If you’re tight or skint just befriend Matt Hancock, whose pub-owning neighbour got a contract for Covid kit. It’s unlikely Hancock turns down any offer of friendship because, let’s face it, he was Billy No-Mates at school and still got bullied at university.
Don’t worry about f**king up
After receiving a lucrative contract you have no chance of fulfilling, eg constructing five aircraft carriers in your garage, don’t stress. When you utterly faily to fulfil the contract your friends in the Conservative party will cover it up and a national emergency fund called ‘taxpayers’ will foot the bill.
Get a knighthood
There’s no better way to disguise failure than pretending it’s success. An honour from the Queen settles everything and opens up new earning potential in the future, so make it clear that’s part of the deal. Make people call you ‘Sir Dave’ and get new contracts on the back of it. Win-win.