We f**ked up everything we could, Johnson tells Britain

THE prime minister has told Britain that it f**ked up every key decision and strategy to battle Covid it was in its power to f**k up. 

Boris Johnson apologised to the nation for not f**king up even more, going on to list all of the f**k-ups in the last 10 months that have led us to 100,000 dead.

He said: “First of all locking down too late, our primary f**k-up which has cost so many lives and which I am proud to say we have now achieved three times.

“And though we’re a long way from those days we also f**ked up supplying PPE, obtaining ventilators, and opened Nightingale hospitals we couldn’t staff because we fired all the nurses.

“Lockdown compliance was forever f**ked up by my good friend Dom Cummings, and let’s not forget to give full credit to Dido Harding for f**king up test-and-trace.

“Once the first wave had passed we prepared for a second with Eat Out to Help Out, encouraging a return to work and sending students to university. So even when we weren’t f**king up, we were planning for f**k-ups in the future.

“And, in a series of recent f**k-ups that have put us right where we are, we opened all the shops, allowed Christmas mixing and sent kids back to school for one day. All in one month.

“If there are areas where this government has not yet f**ked up – for example, vaccines – all I can do is say that I am deeply sorry and please, give us time.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Woman thinks astrology is bollocks but believes she's a Hufflepuff

A WOMAN who considers horoscopes a load of horseshit believes her entire personality is down to her wizarding house from Hogwarts. 

Lucy Parry is cynical about star signs, tarot readings and Buzzfeed personality quizzes, but has planned much of her life around the idea that she is a badger who isn’t evil, clever or brave.

She said: “I’ve been told all my life that as a Scorpio I’m compatible with fishes or some bollocks. It’s all made up. Hitler and Andy Murray are both Taurus. What does that mean? F**k all.

“Dividing people up into 12 different types based purely on when they were born? Jesus wept.

“However I’ve taken upwards of 15 Sorting Hat quizzes, including the official one on Pottermore, and I’ve been Hufflepuff every time. So that’s fact.

“Your Hogwarts house is decided on solid fact and objective assessment. 20 questions that provide you with an accurate and completely foolproof measure of all you are and all you’ll ever be. Prefer the sea to the woods? Sorry mate, you’re basically Voldemort.

“It’s as fixed as your height or blood type. I put it on my CV. Haven’t been asked about it at interview yet, but working with a load of up-themselves Gryffindors? No thank you.”