Thursday, 25th February 2021

We f**ked up everything we could, Johnson tells Britain

THE prime minister has told Britain that it f**ked up every key decision and strategy to battle Covid it was in its power to f**k up. 

Boris Johnson apologised to the nation for not f**king up even more, going on to list all of the f**k-ups in the last 10 months that have led us to 100,000 dead.

He said: “First of all locking down too late, our primary f**k-up which has cost so many lives and which I am proud to say we have now achieved three times.

“And though we’re a long way from those days we also f**ked up supplying PPE, obtaining ventilators, and opened Nightingale hospitals we couldn’t staff because we fired all the nurses.

“Lockdown compliance was forever f**ked up by my good friend Dom Cummings, and let’s not forget to give full credit to Dido Harding for f**king up test-and-trace.

“Once the first wave had passed we prepared for a second with Eat Out to Help Out, encouraging a return to work and sending students to university. So even when we weren’t f**king up, we were planning for f**k-ups in the future.

“And, in a series of recent f**k-ups that have put us right where we are, we opened all the shops, allowed Christmas mixing and sent kids back to school for one day. All in one month.

“If there are areas where this government has not yet f**ked up – for example, vaccines – all I can do is say that I am deeply sorry and please, give us time.”