May goes in for upgrade

THERESA May has been returned to her Japanese manufacturers Hitachi for a full factory upgrade. 

The prime minister is ostensibly in Japan for a trade deal it has confirmed it will not discuss and to pick fights with North Korea, but is actually receiving an overdue software, firmware and hardware systems reboot.

AI specialist Shinichi Matsutoya said: “I warned you that version could not win an election. It just gives you the blue screen of death.

“We’ve been patching as best we can, and thankfully she didn’t get hit in the ransomware attack because she never could network with the NHS, but she really needs a complete rebuild.

“’Brexit means Brexit’? They get stuck in a feedback loop if you change their function while you’re still running the same kernel. Surprised nobody spotted it.”

Matsutoya added: “Do try and keep her away from anything… ethical. Or she’ll just overheat again.”

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Kezia Dugdale quits to become prophet of doom

SCOTTISH Labour leader Kezia Dugdale has quit to wander her native land as a scorned prophet whose warnings of imminent destruction will be ignored. 

The Lothians MSP said in her resignation letter that she is to spend her future being wild-eyed, wearing grubby robes, and foretelling her homeland’s terrible fate from town-to-town. 

She continued: “I offered to remain in my position while making statements like ‘The end is coming’ and ‘We’re all doomed’ which are consistent with Scottish Labour’s message. 

“Ultimately, however, I decided I could reach more people by wandering barefoot, rattling my chains, and shouting ‘Repent!’ directly into their homes. We pride ourselves on the personal touch.

“I only hope I’ve got enough time to grow a ragged grey beard before the end. I might have left it too late.” 

The news follows Tim Farron’s decision to quit as leader of the Lib Dems to roam the UK curing the afflicted of homosexuality with his blessed hands.