Irish border will be free of Popes, May assures DUP

POPE Francis of Rome will have no role in checking vehicles entering and leaving Northern Ireland, Theresa May has assured the DUP.

The prime minister believes the strongest selling point of her ramshackle Brexit deal to weird religious unionists is the lack of involvement by the papal Antichrist.

Speaking in Belfast, May said: “If the Pope wants to carry out phytosanitary checks on a truckload of refrigerated beef passing through Crossmaglen, that will not be allowed.

“Let me be clear – the Roman Catholic Church will have no say in border arrangements. Heavily armed cardinals from the Vatican setting up checkpoints is off the table.”

DUP leader Arlene Foster said: “Obviously we welcome a Brexit free of Popery. However there is still the small matter of our many annoying, contradictory demands.

“We’ve just thought of a new one. Any milk, cheese or butter from the mainland or the Republic must not come from gay cows. Sort that or the deal’s off.

“Also for some reason the British government must pay us £455 million for this.”

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Dinner guests pretending they can't smell litter tray

GUESTS at a dinner party are pretending they cannot smell the litter tray stench in the house.

Polite visitors Nikki Hollis and Nathan Muir are attempting to block out the nauseating aroma of cat faeces that is overwhelming them as they dine with friends.

Hollis said: “It’s like having dinner in a zoo. Is there any chance they can’t smell it? The whole house is completely permeated with it, so I don’t see how it’s possible.

“I read somewhere that cat shit can make you crazy. Now I’m slightly worried they’ve actually lost it.”

Muir added: “I’ve been breathing through my mouth for almost two hours now, I’m starting to feel woozy. I may pass out, but that would be a sweet release.”

Their hosts, however, remain completely oblivious to the stink and will attribute their guests’ stilted behaviour to “relationship troubles” which they will gossip about for several hours after they leave.