May suffers wedgie, stolen shoe and drink tipped in bag in single day

THE prime minister has been given an atomic wedgie, had her shoe stolen and seen a full blue drink emptied into her school bag all in one day. 

Theresa May also had her hair ruffled, her packed lunch thrown over a fence and was pushed backwards by one MP while another MP was kneeling behind her, causing her to sprawl on the ground. 

Political commentator Helen Archer said: “She did recover her shoe eventually but it had been in the dinner bin and you could smell it even on the backbenches, and all her Brexit notes were soaked in blue drink along with her special pencilcase. 

“Of course, she acted like none of it bothered her and as if everyone else was being childish like she always does, which only spurs them on to do even worse. 

“I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d not had her head flushed in the bogs before the week’s out. It’s just the political climate, I’m afraid.” 

May said: “Well I’ll show them because when I leave here I’m going to get a really important job and they’ll just be scum.” 

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Current state of UKIP is testament to my genius, says Farage

NIGEL Farage has resigned from UKIP while demanding recognition for creating a party of incompetent racists.

Farage insisted a knighthood would be a fitting reward for fooling the nation into believing he spearheaded a powerful political force when it was just him all along.

He added: “One guy – one guy and you thought I was an army millions strong. Look at what happened when I left. They didn’t have a single person who could even pretend not to be a nutter.

“Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn have got actual political parties and look how they’re fucking it up. I had nothing. Me and a load of freaks, and I won Brexit.

“Was Hitler bad? Yes. Was he a military genius who conquered the whole of Europe and could have held it if he hadn’t overreached?

“Also yes. I just want the respect I’m owed.”