May 'thought illegal immigrants had tentacles'

THERESA May relaxed passport checks as she assumed that foreign criminals looked like enormous moustachioed sea creatures, it has emerged.

The Home Secretary told the House of Commons she had no idea how many people with false passports might be wandering around Britain, but assured ministers they would be easy to find by following their two-foot-wide trail of glowing slime.

May said: “We all know foreigners look like a cross between a human and a seafood salad so there’s no way they could be mistaken for real people. Immigration officials have been armed with big nets to round up any stray ones.

“In any case I don’t feel a reasonable person could find any connection between me giving border control staff instructions on how to do their job and them following out those instructions.”

May’s opinion of foreigners dates back to childhood, when she watched an episode of Dr Who featuring the silurians and her father told her they were Polish builders crawling out of the sea looking for untaxed labouring work.

Her actions have been condemned by Labour MPs who pointed out that the immigration procedure during their government, which mainly consisted of waving people through while reading the paper, was a much more streamlined process.

Toryologist Roy Hobbs said: “Theresa May represents the evolutionary end-point for the Conservative species, so blinded by its natural distaste for the foreigner that it will be unable to reproduce its own grim view of the world.”

“David Cameron has publicly given the Home Secretary his full support, which means she will probably be out of a job by Friday.”



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Olympic Games cancelled

LONDON’S 2012 Olympics has been cancelled after Lord Coe decided it wasn’t really what he wanted to do with his life.

Games chairman Lord Coe announced he was terminating the sports event following what he described as ‘two whole nights without sleep’.

Speaking at a hastily-arranged press conference yesterday, he said: “It’s a weird feeling when you’re organising something really big, but deep down you know you aren’t into it.

“The crunch came when a man was showing me a map of where the torch would go. ‘Blah blah be a part of it blah blah communities blah London blah’, that’s what it sounded like to me, I just couldn’t listen.

“When we began the application process several years ago it felt really fresh and exciting. Since then though, I’ve had this idea to write a book that’s sort of a psychological horror thriller set in the future, where the police are werewolves and the army are vampires.

“No it’s the other way around, the army are the werewolves. And it might be a script, not a book.

“Anyway I’ve been working on it evenings and evenings, and to be honest it’s become my main thing. Something had to give and it was the games.

“In theory I suppose the Olympics could carry on without me, but it was my idea so I’m not really OK with that.”

He added: “This is a personal decision and has nothing to do with those two cyclops characters and the logo being shit. I mean, obviously they were shit but whatever.”

The Olympic flame, which was due to travel through 1,018 communities, has since been extinguished in a symbolic act illustrating that the spirit of the games is dead.

Teacher Nikki Hollis, who lives on a remote island off the coast of Scotland, said: “We’re absolutely gutted because the torch was supposed to come here, we’d planned to use it to light our wicker man containing a virgin sacrifice to the Old Gods. Just as our way of being part of it.”