THERESA May is to boost her standing among young voters by stepping down with immediate effect.
May has determined that the only way to regain the trust of the under-30s is to fire her entire cabinet, vacate Downing Street, and then to dissolve the Conservative Party.
She said: “Britain needs strong and stable leadership in the national interest, not my own personal clown car crashing in slow motion while I’m berated by fundamentalists in Harris tweed.
“That’s why I have decided to listen to the nation’s young, and leave politics forever. I’m going to live in a village and be the over-zealous woman who is mysteriously responsible for locking and unlocking the local church.”
Nikki Hollis, 25, said: “I sincerely hope the door does not hit her on the way out.”
Upon being told the news, Jeremy Corbyn said: “Ah. Shit.”