May to win approval of young by quitting

THERESA May is to boost her standing among young voters by stepping down with immediate effect.

May has determined that the only way to regain the trust of the under-30s is to fire her entire cabinet, vacate Downing Street, and then to dissolve the Conservative Party.

She said: “Britain needs strong and stable leadership in the national interest, not my own personal clown car crashing in slow motion while I’m berated by fundamentalists in Harris tweed.

“That’s why I have decided to listen to the nation’s young, and leave politics forever. I’m going to live in a village and be the over-zealous woman who is mysteriously responsible for locking and unlocking the local church.”

Nikki Hollis, 25, said: “I sincerely hope the door does not hit her on the way out.”

Upon being told the news, Jeremy Corbyn said: “Ah. Shit.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Successful team building weekend focuses on how much everyone hates company

A TEAM-BUILDING weekend has succeeded because it focused on workers’ shared loathing of their employer.

Staff from Piper Redmond Insurance gathered at a Holiday Inn near Worcester for what they imagined would be another tedious weekend of raft building, inane group discussions and lifeless ‘creative games’.

However their enthusiasm immediately increased when they were asked to brainstorm ‘Why Piper Redmond Insurance is such a massive piece of shit’.

Low-paid admin drone Nikki Hollis said: “Normally I can’t think of anything to say in these so-called ‘workshops’ but I detest my employer so much I actually wore out three whiteboard markers.

“I even invented a new swearword ‘penisbags’. I’m definitely realising my untapped potential.”

Sales assistant Tom Booker said: “There was a really cool brainstorming session about to take your revenge for not getting a pay rise again this year. I said I would put a viper in the MD’s golf bag that would go up his arm and bite his face, the trainer said that was very creative.

“Weirdly I hated everyone at work until this weekend but now I feel we’ve really bonded. We’re going to meet up next weekend to lob our computers off the fire escape.”