May warns Russia to assassinate people more responsibly

THE government has warned Russia to be more careful when trying to kill people.

After toxins were found in the vicinity of the attack on Sergei Skripal, Theresa May told Russian spooks to tidy up after themselves when murdering enemies on British soil.

The prime minister said: “If Russia continues to use dangerous nerve agents there will be serious consequences, such as a health and safety investigation by the local council.

“If they really must use deadly poisons that could harm the public we’d ask them to ring 999 beforehand so we can have a chemical warfare unit ready to detoxify the area.

“We have issued voluntary guidelines for foreign assassins which have been published on the website, I strongly suggest Putin reads them or he could incur a £50 fine.”