May's last remaining ally is an imaginary rat called Bixby

THERESA May’s last remaining ally in cabinet is an imaginary rat called Bixby that wears a hat, she has confirmed. 

After the resignation of Damien Green, following claims that ‘quality’ porn was found on his computer, May has said Bixby is the only cabinet member she can trust and the only one with a significant input on policy.

She said: “I don’t exactly remember appointing him. One day, shortly after the election, Bixby was just there.

“He’s such a smart little fellow in his little hat, whispering all the secrets about who’s plotting against me and how I’m making such a success out of Brexit.

“Sometimes he sits on my shoulder during cabinet meetings, telling me that they’re all liars and I should have them imprisoned for treason, and it’s dreadfully funny because they can’t hear a word.

“Look, here he is, dressed as Santa! I’m thinking of making him chancellor in the reshuffle.”

A Downing Street source said: “Oh Christ, not Bixby. I thought he went when Thatcher did.”

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Man takes second sick day 'for authenticity'

AN OFFICE worker has called in sick for the second day on the trot so that no one will ever know he didn’t have what he’s calling ‘a nasty bug’.

Wayne Hayes pretended to be ill for longer than his usual ‘one day weekend extension’, to ensure that his boss believes he has a medically diagnosable condition and is not just taking the absolute piss.

Hayes said: “To give my absence the ring of truth, I am dragging out my imaginary illness for a little longer.

“On day one, I phoned in and planted the seed that I was seriously under the weather but being brave about it.

“Today, I emailed in with an update on my vague but grievous symptoms, and said I was ‘hopefully on the mend’ but ‘still feeling pretty rough’.

“My team thought I was dicking around at first, but today the pendulum has swung in my favour and suddenly it sounds like I’m genuinely ill. One of them just texted to wish me well.

“What a gullible bastard.”

Hayes added: “I would never fake-take three days off sick because expectations are too high that you’ll come back to the office with some genuine illness residue. I can’t act that sick – I’m not Eddie Redmayne.”