May’s last remaining ally is an imaginary rat called Bixby

THERESA May’s last remaining ally in cabinet is an imaginary rat called Bixby that wears a hat, she has confirmed. 

After the resignation of Damien Green, following claims that ‘quality’ porn was found on his computer, May has said Bixby is the only cabinet member she can trust and the only one with a significant input on policy.

She said: “I don’t exactly remember appointing him. One day, shortly after the election, Bixby was just there.

“He’s such a smart little fellow in his little hat, whispering all the secrets about who’s plotting against me and how I’m making such a success out of Brexit.

“Sometimes he sits on my shoulder during cabinet meetings, telling me that they’re all liars and I should have them imprisoned for treason, and it’s dreadfully funny because they can’t hear a word.

“Look, here he is, dressed as Santa! I’m thinking of making him chancellor in the reshuffle.”

A Downing Street source said: “Oh Christ, not Bixby. I thought he went when Thatcher did.”