Friday, 4th December 2020

Middle class drunks press-ganged into becoming Brexit Party candidates

MIDDLE class drunks are being dragged from their homes and signed up as Brexit Party candidates for the general election.

Around the UK, people who drive Audis and complain about their Polish plumbers are waking up after a heavy night to find they are wearing a pale blue rosette and clutching a leaflet with a large photo of Nigel Farage’s grinning face.

Stephen Malley, a retired accountant, said: “It was a typical Sunday night in front of the TV. I started on gin, then moved onto some Pinot Noir. The last thing I remember is necking a few shots of Famous Grouse.

“I wake up and a man’s helping me to sign something. I look down and I’m wearing a dark blue suit and I’m canvassing on Worthing high street.”

He added: “Apparently all I have to do is exist and I’ll get votes. It doesn’t matter if I’ve got a history of racist Facebook posts or I’m called Annunziata. Nobody cares.

“I said ‘What happens if I win?’ They said even Nigel doesn’t win. I said ‘What’s the point then?’ and they told me to stop thinking about it and have a ‘quick snifter’.”