Meetings ‘optimal time to think about sex’

THE best time to think about sex is during a work meeting, researchers have found.

Meetings are the perfect time to think about sex because it is possible to sit there nodding at something on a screen, yet be thinking nonstop about what it might be like to bed that 23-year-old from personnel.

Researchers confirmed multiple benefits of using meetings to think about sex, including getting paid while experiencing imaginary sex acts, and avoiding listening to something called a ‘risks register’.

Other environments were ‘less optimal’ for imagining a good boning, including operating a forklift, administering intravenous medication or having a conversation with HMRC.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, stressed it was important to maintain an internal monologue, adding: “It gives the game away if Nathan from personnel asks if there are any questions and you scream, ‘Yes! Yes! Harder!’.

“The only thing that doesn’t work is marketing meetings. They make you feel that humanity should stop reproducing altogether in case it produces more marketing executives.”

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Click this link and the election will be over

ALL you have to do is click this link and the general election will be over. Go on. Do it. 

Okay, now all you have to do is read down to the bottom of the article, where you will receive some unpleasant news, but it’s still better than getting through the next six weeks day-by-day.

Having doubts? Come on. Six weeks of Corbyn doing his affronted Communist Jesus act. Six weeks of Boris saying ‘dither and delay’ every other sentence. Six weeks of polls.

No lie, when you reach the final paragraph of this article it will hurt. You will probably wish you could go back and stop reading. But best to get the pain done with.

Okay, last chance. But it’s almost over for you, and far preferable to a month-and-a-half of rabid frothing on either side. Better not to hope. Ready?

Boris Johnson’s won a majority, he’s getting his Brexit and will be prime minister for the next five years. Sorry. But now it’s over.