ED Miliband has unveiled a raft of policies aimed at drunk women after high-level talks with a hen party.
The Labour leader promised four-for-one shooters, no VAT on inflatable penises and prison terms for DJs refusing to play Single Ladies.
Miliband said: “Large groups of drunk women are the backbone of our economy, yet nobody is listening to them which is why they seem strangely angry.
“During the meeting I discovered concerns about the cost of limo hire, problems with losing their coats and a general shortage of fun.
“My message to drunk women is that I get you, I don’t think you’re being too emotional but I am a married man so please don’t kiss my forehead.
“Also I don’t quite understand what you’re saying about someone called Mandy being a bitch. I’m sure you’re right though.”
However hen party member Mary Fisher said: “We only got on his campaign bus because we thought it was a kebab van.
“But it turned out ok because one of the things on our list of dares was ‘terrify a nerd’.”