Miliband: ‘I will deliver for drunk women’

ED Miliband has unveiled a raft of policies aimed at drunk women after high-level talks with a hen party.

The Labour leader promised four-for-one shooters, no VAT on inflatable penises and prison terms for DJs refusing to play Single Ladies.

Miliband said: “Large groups of drunk women are the backbone of our economy, yet nobody is listening to them which is why they seem strangely angry.

“During the meeting I discovered concerns about the cost of limo hire, problems with losing their coats and a general shortage of fun.

“My message to drunk women is that I get you, I don’t think you’re being too emotional but I am a married man so please don’t kiss my forehead.

“Also I don’t quite understand what you’re saying about someone called Mandy being a bitch. I’m sure you’re right though.”

However hen party member Mary Fisher said: “We only got on his campaign bus because we thought it was a kebab van.

“But it turned out ok because one of the things on our list of dares was ‘terrify a nerd’.”

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Young non-voter simply cannot be arsed

A 21-YEAR-OLD student has refused to make any tiresome excuses for not voting.

Mary Fisher, from Hull, decided against trotting out any sanctimonious bullshit about how none of the main parties really speaks to her as an individual, or claiming to be an anarchist.

She said: “I would maybe vote for whoever would give me a Top Shop voucher, but as that isn’t happening I simply won’t bother because I don’t care.

“Make of that what you will, but at least I didn’t go into a lengthy monologue about my dreadful lack of prospects, alternative forms of democracy or some half-baked drivel about Trident.

“I am not going to vote and it is my fault because I am going to be in bed eating some toast.

“You may find that annoying but it is less annoying than being young, sad and smug all at the same time.”

She added: “Anyway I think I’ve lost my polling card.”