Champions League ruined by tactics and skill

THE absence of English sides from the Champions League quarter-finals has seen a disturbing increase in tactics and short passing.

English fans have expressed disgust at the way the continental teams made no attempt to sprint wildly after every lost cause, while some players even passed the ball backwards.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage said: “I can understand parking the bus, hitting the flanks, and at a push, the corridor of uncertainty.

“But if your gameplan can’t be summed up in three words, it makes me frustrated, angry and a bit frightened.”

The link between tactics and on-field success has led some experts to predict the decline of traditional English skills, like shouting and pointing.

Football historian Julian Cook said: “English clubs must maintain their focus on developing slow-witted players who can kick the ball incredibly long distances to no-one in particular.”

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Old white men to be able to do whatever they like

OLD white men are to behave as they please unless it affects other old white men.

Given the unique hardships old white men consider themselves to suffer, they will no longer be subjected to awkward experiences such as police investigation or imprisonment.

Denys Finch-Hatton, head of the Old White Men Protection League said, “We live in a world dominated by young black women such as Jessica Ennis and also Jessica Ennis.

“In this oppressive climate of political correctness, old white men do not stand a chance.

“It is therefore vital that whatever they do in the privacy of their own homes, or to other people within the confines of the outside world, is considered a personal matter.”

Finch-Hatton added: “The test of a civilised society is what it lets elderly white gentlemen get away with.

“What kind of country would this be if old white men were to suffer the indignity of sharing cells with dark-hued strangers, purely for the crime of having committed a crime?”