Miliband To Organise Anti-Apartheid Disco

ED Miliband is to organise a really great anti-apartheid disco that will get everyone totally motivated.

In his first act as Labour leader Mr Miliband has booked the upstairs function room in a pub near the library and has asked his friend Gary to make some mix tapes.

Tickets are 50p – but that includes a bag of crisps – and all the profits will be used to start a radical magazine that will bring Thatcherism crashing to the ground.

The event will kick-off with the Special AKA’s rousing anti-apartheid anthem Free Nelson Mandela and end with everyone holding hands in a circle and bowing their heads to the strains of Biko by Peter Gabriel.

The Labour leader said: “I’m also going to make a speech about how important everything is.

“This is not about taking Labour back to the past, this is about saying ‘PW Botha, your time is up’.

“Oh Biko, Biko, becau-au-ause Biko. I think that says it all really.”

Sources close to Mr Miliband said that if the speech goes as well as he expects, he should finally be able to persuade Harriet Harman to let him see one of her nipples.

Later this week the new leader will visit striking coal miners in South Yorkshire to get their backing for a devastating letter he is writing to the New Statesman about Nicaragua.

He added: “I think President Reagan might be a bit stupid.”

Tom Logan, a councillor from Orgeave, said: “He’s more than welcome to come here and meet some miners, or ‘mini-cab drivers’ as we’ve been calling them since 1986.”

And Julian Cook, an occasional Labour Party member from Finsbury Park, added: “I was really quite drunk on Saturday and spent most of Sunday in the bog. Is this actually happening?”

Meanwhile the thousands of Liberal Democrats who defected to Labour after the coalition was formed in May are now switching back, stressing they would prefer to belong to something that still has an outside chance of existing next year.

Mr Miliband will make his keynote address to the Labour conference in Manchester tomorrow before asking the general secretary of Unison whether he prefers it with or without the ice cubes.


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Council To Outsource Lazy, Belligerent Arseholes

SUFFOLK Council is to put 9,000 of its malingering, overpaid functions out to private tender.

The local authority hopes to save millions by having its phones not answered in a Bangalore call centre alongside an automated system of callous indifference.

Council leader Martin Bishop said: “We are challenging the old-fashioned view that working for the council is a job sat on your arse eating biscuits, listening to Radio 2 while filing grievance claims for life.

“By working closely with the private sector we can insure our council tax payers continue to be treated like rusty buckets of steaming monkey diarrhoea without having to faff about with PAYE and employer’s national insurance contributions.”

He added: “Why pay some surly bitch with a sociology degree to write ugly, hate-filled letters when we can use a spreadsheet, a laptop and a thirty quid printer to pump out 10,000 sheets a day that just say ‘fuck you’ in large, capital letters?”

Nikki Hollis, a Suffolk council Unison shop steward, said: “It is obviously a disgraceful, ideologically driven decision and we’ll be consulting with our members as soon they are back from long-term sick leave.”

Meanwhile US firm Omnislouch is bidding to take over the council’s social services department, claiming child safety will be increased by 28% via the occasional phone call from their Milwaukee headquarters to some of Ipswich’s most dangerously thumb-challenged parents.

A spokesman said: “Our telephone-based social services product also offers short term, high interest loans and can recommend personal injury lawyers to people who think they may have slipped on something.”