Miliband’s brain to be transplanted into manly body

THE brain of Labour leader Ed Miliband is to be transplanted into the body of male model David Gandy.

Confident around bacon

Party officials believe Miliband’s underwhelming physical presence has been the cause of his flagging popularity.

A Labour source said: “Ed has the right mind but his appearance is that of a teenage wallflower at a school disco, clutching a plastic cup full of Tango while everyone else snogs each other.

“With a hot alpha male appearance and easygoing body language he could win the next election and boost party coffers by doing lucrative underwear campaigns.”

Top male model Gandy volunteered for the body swap because he is tired of being hassled by really attractive women and just wants to spends his days in DVD and game exchange shops, quietly browsing the Buffy box sets.

Ed Miliband said: “Politics should not be a superficial popularity contest, but on the other hand I’m looking forward to eating food and talking to girls without fear of ridicule.

“All this stuff about me being a nerd is incredibly childish. Still, they won’t be laughing if I get a body like Steve Rogers.

“That’s Captain America.”

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Rooney’s primary school teachers still scared of him

SEVERAL teachers remained in hiding when Wayne Rooney returned to visit his old primary school, it has emerged.

Millionaire harness bull Rooney visited his first school in Liverpool to mark his 100th England cap and make good on some threats he doled out as a six-year-old.

Teacher Wayne Haynes said: “My abiding memory of Wayne is cowering in the stationary cupboard while his small but immensely powerful fists drummed on the door as he demanded I come out and face him.

“During Wayne’s time we became the only teaching staff in the UK authorised to use a tranquiliser dart gun.

“If you’ve seen the horror film The Brood, it was like that.

“I still check under the bed every night.”