MPs Censor Expenses In Bid To Make You Forget

MPs have published a censored version of their expenses in the hope that you will forget you have already seen them.

Leader of the Commons Harriet Harman said the documents had to be blacked-out otherwise members of the public would be able to find out the actual addresses of all the houses they already know they paid to do-up.

Ms Harman added: "I read somewhere that if you show someone a document, ask them to memorise it and then take it away, cover it in black ink and show it to them again, they will immediately forget everything they read in the first place."

Constituents of Tory MP Douglas Hogg said that unless they were able to see his address they would have no way of finding out which gigantic house with the pristine moat was his.

Meanwhile people in Sir Anthony Steen's Totnes constituency said the only clue they had to help them find his house was that it was very, very large and some people said it looked like Balmoral.

Experts stressed that by publishing a censored version of the expenses the MPs had somehow managed to achieve the impossible and made the whole thing even worse.

Dr Martin Bishop, of Reading University, said: "Not only are they saying they had every right  to defraud you, they are also saying you have absolutely no right to know anything about it. And just as everyone was starting to read about celebrities again."

Bill McKay, who spent much of last month building a set of gallows outside the Palace of Westminster, said he had 'gone to a lot of bother only for everyone to get bored with it all of sudden'.

He added: "And now this happens, which means I'll have to re-oil the hinges in the trap door and find some fresh rope. It's a pain in the arse is what it is."

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Iranians Free To Exchange Meaningless Shit

BARACK Obama urged Twitter to postpone a planned upgrade so that Iranians could continue to exchange their meaningless thoughts about television programmes and clothes.

The US president stepped in, fearing the country's anti-government protests could fizzle-out unless millions were able to discuss their lunch plans as dismembered limbs flew past their office windows.

A State Department spokesman said: "It's encouraging that, while Iran struggles towards a new democracy, people can still chronicle the tedious and excruciating details of their lives after wiping the blood stains off their Blackberry."

Tom Logan, a security analyst who has been tracking the messages, added: "So far it's the same inexplicable, pointless bollocks you get over here but with marginally more references to effigy burning and humus."

Traffic from Iran has increased 250% since the disputed elections, with messages such as 'Iqbal says thx to all the guys in Karaj for hauling his car off the roof. U rock!!' and 'Shazia will see evry1 by the riot for a non-alcholic beverage l8ter, LOL'.

Youtube spokesman Scott Rubin likened the spread of networking sites in oppressive regimes to the Czech Republic's Velvet Revolution, 'only with lots more mind-buggeringly appalling amateur pop videos and blatant copyright theft'.

Other social networking sites, such as Facebook, have been banned in Iran, with some observers insisting it therefore makes it a much, much better place to live.