My wife makes all my t-shirts, says Cameron

The prime minister has confirmed that all his t-shirts are ethically manufactured by his wife.

Cameron said: “My children and I know exactly where our clothes come from, because we can see Samantha making them at the kitchen table.

“She gets paid a very good rate, plus three breaks a day to cook me meals.

“We then get them ironed for 30p an hour, which is a healthy rate for menial work.”

Samantha Cameron was unavailable for comment due to putting the finishing touches to her husband’s’ ‘This is what a feminist looks like’ cravat.

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Trapped fly struggling to keep a cool head

FLY Rob Hobbs is struggling to think logically after becoming trapped in a house.

‘I’m not going to lose it this time’

Fortnight-old insect Hobbs found himself a prisoner in a bedroom after being unable to recall how he entered the building.

He said: Be cool. Be cool. We can work this out.

The worst thing I could do right now is fly frenziedly around, crashing into windows and walls.

“I could damage my wings, or even crush my entire head, and then where would I be.”

Hobbs then careered around the room in crazed diagonal patterns as he grappled to regain self-control.

Somewhere there is going to be an open window. Just need to stay focused.

Fuuuuuuuuuck.

I need to get out of here, my life spans probably only another couple of days. No insect wants to die inside.

Its going to be fine.

Shit its not though, is it?”