Nation breathes sigh of relief as it is spared religious dictatorship under Tim Farron

BRITAIN has narrowly escaped becoming a Christian dictatorship under the iron hand of Tim Farron. 

The Liberal Democrat leader, who resigned yesterday to take up a new career teaching schoolchildren that God is cool, planned to make the UK a religious autocracy where dissent was not tolerated. 

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “We really dodged a bullet there.

“A Christian loony following some lunatic holy vision about what’s best for Britain, who views any disagreement as heresy, is exactly what we don’t need right now. 

“Can you imagine? Some mission-from-God nutter at the helm, refusing to accept reality or have any contact with the unclean, propped up by fanatics who want to reintroduce Papist-burnings as public entertainment?

“And now that can never happen.” 

Farron said: “Jesus is the way and the life, but I think it might be easier to believe that in a career where I’m not constantly being beaten in the polls by demons.” 

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Ask Holly: I cannot continue working with desecrators of wheat fields

Dear Holly,

I’m finding it impossible to continue being a party leader, working in close proximity to sinners and desecrators of wheat fields so I’ve jacked it in, and will now be mostly waiting for Christ to visit me and give me a mission: perhaps to part the waves, or maybe to build an ark or, even better, to be a contestant on Love Island – surely one cannot be closer to God than frolicking with Gabrielle and Montana? Praise be to God, hallelujah.


Dear Tim,

When I grow up I’m going to get some plastic surgery and wear loads of make-up like a stripper and be on Love Island or Big Brother. I told my teacher about my career plans and she didn’t seem that chuffed and she said why not be a doctor or a politician? I think she’s actually a bit jealous that she didn’t think of it herself first. Why would anyone in their right mind want to spend all those years working hard at school and university only to have to hang out all day teaching maths to a load of hateful kids high on Skittles when you could be in the sun talking nonsense to a halfwitted Adonis from Newcastle?

Hope that helps,