Nation ready to do whatever beer mat says

BRITONS will do whatever a Wetherspoon beer mat tells them to do, it has emerged.

Renowned as hubs of intelligent political debate, Wetherspoon pubs now feature pro-Brexit beer mats, tapping into mankind’s instinctive respect for anything written on an absorbent card square.

Wetherspoon regular Wayne Hayes said: “If a beer mat says to leave the EU then that must be the right thing to do. 

“Usually beer mats just tell me what time sporting events are on, or suggest I should be drinking more Guinness, but if a beer mat told me to jump off a bridge I’d do it without hesitation.

“It’s a good job there isn’t a beer mat that says ‘burn down a nearby post office’ otherwise I’d be in prison right now.

“The beer mat is such a powerful medium because the three-second periods where my pint is in the air and the mat visible are exactly as long as my attention span.”

Meanwhile the pro-Europe campaign has spray-painted ‘Britain Stronger In Europe’ on the side of a cow that lives beside the M4.

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Dad analysing Top Gear as if it were collected works of Shakespeare

48-YEAR-OLD Wayne Hayes has written over 100 pages of notes on the new Top Gear, it has emerged.

Father-of-two Hayes has mixed thoughts on the latest version of the show, seeing potential for rich character interplay between Chris Evans and Matt LeBlanc but criticising its lack of homoerotic subtext.

Top Gear scholar Hayes said: “Many leading Gear thinkers pinpoint Clarkson as the work’s narrative driving force, yet for me it was the scampering, imp-like Hammond who provided its much-needed pathos as he battled for the love and respect of his greying alpha male cohorts.

“The Evans-LeBlanc iteration lacks emotional punch. The banter is just banter, without the poignancy of a small man making a veiled plea to his surrogate father figures.

“However it is interesting Evan’s gingerness seems to be a visual manifestation of some outsider status, although LeBlanc is, strictly speaking, the ‘alien’.

“Despite this, one feels it is almost a meta-narrative on previous series, and as such one wonders whether it is even canonical. Indeed it will be interesting to see what transpires next week when Damian Lewis has a go in a rally car.”

Hayes’s wife Sarah said: “I thought it was shit before and I think it’s shit now.”